Fear The Walking Dead: ‘Cobalt’ Review


Getting Ready to Rumble

Let's Get Ready To Rumble

It appears this show is not that good. Fear the Walking Dead’s penultimate episode finally advanced the plot to where we want it to be but holy crap did it ever drag us along to get to this point. The military has decided that they have no intention of sitting around in the suburbs and are peacing the F out but why do the writers have to bore us in getting there. So far this season has had pretty much NO action and I have no idea why I am still watching this nonsense. It’s the kind of stuff that can give Under the Dome some stiff competition in the dumb department.

The entire episode was all about getting us to this evacuation point and I truly don’t think it was necessary to take us along for this ridiculously slow ride. Daniel torturing that military dude seemed to drag on forever, Chris and Alicia decide they would rather be looters and Travis can’t even get the balls to shoot a walker. I suppose Nick and Maddie are the most interesting characters up to this point but we barely got to see them and I think it’s safe to say that this is impressing nobody.

So put on your best dress and/or suit, sit down at the piano and enjoy a glass of champagne…or just loot the entire place. After all, this is Zombie Armageddon. Enjoy the recap.

River City Ransom

We catch up with resident dumb-dumb Ofelia who is badgering the military by throwing shit at a fence. She wants her mother back but as we know…that shit ain’t happening. She is about to be restrained until Corporal Andrew Adams, the military guy she was making out with last episode, intervenes to take her home. Really bad idea trusting Ofelia who is clearly a pathological liar.

Later, Madison hears some noises coming from within the house and, obviously, she finds Daniel and Ofelia who have kidnapped Corporal Adams.

River City Ransom

Obviously Corporal Adams trusted the wrong girl. The things we do for love at first sight, right? Ofelia, however, is a moron. She seems to think that the plan is to hold Adams hostage so the military will exchange him for her mother and only an idiot would believe this plan would actually work. Thankfully, Daniel has been lying to everyone the entire time because the real plan is to torture the fuck out of Corporal Adams in order to get some information on what is going on. Seriously though, if Ofelia really thought this trade was going to work, she might be the dumbest person alive on this show.

Maddie totally calls Daneil out on this dumbass plan since she’s actually smart and Daniel totally agrees with her since that is not his plan at all. Having been through many much-worse situations, Daniel has torture on his mind and plans on getting all of the info they need. It’s a good thing too because what is coming is not going to be a fun time for anyone.

Meanwhile, Travis is hanging out with his military buds and he wants to know when Nick and company are going to be returned but the military is having none of it because…they have guns.

"I got guns, therefore I can do whatever I want."

And when you have guns during a zombie apocalypse, you can do whatever the fuck you want!

Hell, even if you don’t have guns, you can still do whatever the fuck you want and that is exactly what Daniel does when he starts torturing the shit out of Corporal Adams. And this isn’t just your usual torture, this is some Ramsay Bolton, Game of Thrones flaying shit.

A Pound of Flesh

Daniel, the only likable character on this show since he’s actually a bad ass, hears the word Cobalt on the walkie and comes to the obvious conclusion that it’s important.

While this torture continues, the military ends up taking Travis with them on some mission where they decide it might be a good idea if Travis aka Mr. Mayor shoots one of the zombies. Unfortunately, Travis would rather lay in bed with his pretty wife than shoot zombies because he’s an idiot. At this point, I can’t stand Travis because he’s being completely irrational about everything that is going on. I mean, if the military is offering me a chance to blow up some zombies, I’m totally fucking in and if my ex just happens to be in the nearby vicinity, well I’d zombify that shit too! But Liza has nothing to worry about since Travis bitches out and so the military has to step in and take care of business for him.

The military shoots a zombie

Hey man, nice shot!! They proceed to take Travis to the library, possibly to pick up some books on how to survive a zombie apocalypse, but things are not going so great. It appears the library is overrun with nerd zombies who would rather eat human flesh than read books. And the military is getting the hell out of there after things appear to go horribly wrong.

Once Travis returns, he finds Ofelia crying on the lawn after she finds out that Daniel was flaying Corporal Adams and I am still absolutely shocked at how dumb she is.

"I'm a dumb-dumb"

How could she think the military was going to trade Griselda for Corporal Adams? God, she’s an idiot and I am furious. Of course, the torture ended up working like a charm because as it turns out, Cobalt is the command code to initiate evacuation from the L.A. base. Of course, it’s only the military that is evacuating because who would want to save these morons anyways.

Griseldead

We also got to meet a brand new character, Victor Strand, who has been locked up in a cell with local nut Doug. Victor and I have one thing in common: we both think insurance is a waste of money and so I kinda like him already. Victor starts making fun of Doug, letting him know that his wife Maria is probably going to latch on to some new hottie to get through this impending zombie apocalypse. Doug has a mental breakdown, as he usually does, so the guards take him away.

Victor Strand 'I Close Shit'

The military is taking temperatures using some really cool gadget and they decide that Nick is also a threat and needs to go but in reality he just really wants to get high. For some reason that I, nor anyone, can explain…our new friend Victor decides that he wants to keep Nick around and trades some cufflinks for his release. This somehow works, possibly because everyone is an idiot on this show, and they let Nick stay with our new friend Victor. Why would anyone give a shit about cufflinks during the zombie apocalypse is beyond me but this is The Walking Dead, a place where no one thinks properly.

Regardless, I kinda like this Victor guy. He speaks very articulately and seems to know what he is doing. I’m still not sure why he needs Nick around, but I like that he wants to return to the old world. Easily the best line of the episode is when Victor says, “The people who won the last round with their grande latte’s and frequent flier miles are about to become the buffet.” Sign me up for that feast please 🙂

Team America: Fuck Ya!

Now THIS is what The Walking Dead is all about. Or at least should be. And maybe that’s the point. In fact, maybe the only people who are going to survive this are people like Victor and Nick. Let’s be honest, if this ever happened to our planet, a lot of people wouldn’t want to give up the comforts they have and the people without any comforts to begin with would be the ones taking over. Maybe this means Travis, Maddie, Alicia, Chris and the rest are doomed after all. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile, Liza really wants to see Griselda but Dr. Exner won’t allow it since she’s the head doc in charge. Plus, there are a lot of injured military after the mission at the library goes horribly wrong. Liza starts snoopin’ around in an attempt to find Griselda who has now had her foot amputated. Dr. Exner eventually allows Liza to see Griselda and it’s not looking good.

Griseldead

Yup, Griselda has succumbed to her injuries which means Liza is going to have to shoot her in the head with a bolt gun. At least she has much bigger balls than Travis. The big reveal, however, happened when Daniel took a stroll to the local arena.

Now Would Be A Good Time To Run

Ideally, I’d like to see the zombies break out of this arena and just completely destroy the entire city, killing every single one of our characters. This will not happen, however, and I can pretty much guarantee Daniel and Ofelia are going to try to break Griselda out even though she’s already dead. It’s Under the Dome all over again folks because these people are fucking dumb!

Ridin’ Dirty

Chris is still throwing temper tantrums and being a complete jerk to everyone, especially Madison. Maddie has pretty much had enough of trying to look after teenagers during the zombie apocalypse.

Raising Teenagers

Poor Maddie. I kinda feel sorry for her, if only for the fact that she’s married to Travis who literally has no ball sac. So Travis finally tells Chris to get his shit together and go apologize to Maddie which he obviously refuses to do since Chris is a little turd. Apparently, Chris is upset that his real mom, Liza, ran off with the military even though she’s just trying to help out. Yup, Chris is still douchey.

Alicia’s all ridin’ dirty outside and she decides to have a heart-to-heart with Chris but not before offering him a ride on her sweet bike.

They see me ridin', they hatin', patrollin and tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

I swear this entire part of the episode was a tribute to Chamillionaire’s Ridin’ Dirty because Alicia takes Chris to one of the neighbors to ransack the house. Alicia decides to get all dressed up and have some champagne. Not a bad idea if you ask me.

I been drinkin' and smokin'

Ya, girl! Now we’re talking. Who cares about zombies running around the neighborhood when you can get all dressed up and chug straight out of the bottle! It’s about time these teenagers started partying like it’s the end of the world.

After some drinks, the two teens have a deep conversation about where the people who lived in this house are. But as it turns out, teenagers don’t really care about shit like that and Alicia and Chris start destroying the house. Hells ya, I’m totally on board with a little destruction of property.

And that was pretty much it. As you can see, absolutely nothing good happened this entire episode except for the whole evac thing. If I’m the military, I would have stopped trying to help these idiots ages ago but I guess it’s their call of duty. Either way, it appears the residents of sweet suburbia have been left to deal with an arena full of walkers on their own. There goes the neighborhood.

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY DISLIKES IT

Mikey Dislikes ItThis was not good. Did we really need to spend an entire episode just to find out that the military is taking off and the entire town is pretty much screwed? The answer is no. So far, the entire season of Fear the Walking Dead has been extremely boring and we are spending way more time in the suburbs where, really, nothing is going on.

Thankfully for all of us, The Leftovers is returning next Sunday and I’ll be here to recap all of the action which is certainly going to be better than this. Why does AMC only give Fear the Walking Dead a 6-episode run in its first season I will never know but clearly this was not a good idea. There is not enough time to get to know all of the characters, not that more time was ever going to help anyways since this entire first season has been about killing time. Well, time is about to kill them all and Travis and co. better get their shit together and fast.

So literally nothing happened but at least they set up the finale with the shot of the arena full of walkers at the end. It took us an entire hour to get to that point and it was all very pointless. That said, I’m a firm believer that we need more characters like Victor on this show. He was the only entertaining part of the entire episode which says a lot, doesn’t it? So what did you think of Cobalt? Did you hate it as much as I did? What did you think of Victor? Let us know in the comments.

Next week is the finale and I’m kinda glad this is already over. I swear if those zombies do not escape the arena and fuck everything up, I’m going to be even more pissed than this week. This show is walking dead to me. Check out the promo for The Good Man below:

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4 responses

  1. With the military going…..do they kill the survivors first by shooting them or dropping a bomb on them….or they are just left on their own…..or do they let the walkers out of the stadium to kill them. Decisions Decisions…..

    1. I think they’re just going to leave and the walkers are going to get out.of the stadium on their own. The finale better be crazy hehe 🙂

  2. Yea this show is totally pointless so far. It’s like they are trying to create another “Walking Dead”, but none of the actors are any good and their characters aren’t even likeable. Another thing that bugs me is that they are in one of the most populated area in the states, literally millions of people around and we follow them? Why? Who cares about these few people? What is happening to the country? The government? The military?

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