Much like the title of last night’s episode of Under the Dome, I have reached my Breaking Point. How do you top the end of the world? You don’t. In fact, it was all a fucking illusion and I am infuriated. The one actually COOL thing the show does and the writers decide that it was all a magic trick one episode later. So dumb.
Now, what I would like to see happen is a Game of Thrones / Under the Dome crossover episode where Dany releases her dragons into the dome. Wouldn’t that be epic? Obviously these prayers will never be answered and the stupidity continues.
Dumb times call for dumb measures in Chester’s Mill and that was exactly what happened now that Christine has healed herself. We also had the unfortunate death of another character whom I thoroughly enjoyed making fun of. Sad times in Chester’s Mill.
This episode was just plain terrible and I can tell the writers have officially overdosed on heroine. That said, we’re still recapping this hour of stupidity every week so grab a pick ax and some explosives because the
Gold Amethyst Rush has hit Chester’s Mill. Enjoy Domies!
Sitting On An Amethyst Mine
Our episode begins with Big Jim making fun of his new friends but Julia just laughs it off. She’s joined by her friend from Tiny Toons as this show is Looney Tunes after all.
Meanwhile, Barbie and Eva make an attempt to make babies. Julia is going to be super jealous when she finds out since she isn’t quite over her 3-week relationship with Barbie just yet.
Of course, Barbie is actually sleeping with this:
And Christine finally comes out of her healing pod and the cocoons have officially been rebranded from alternate reality vacation pod to healing chamber which also acts as a simulation for coming out of the womb. Gross.
Christine has a quick discussion with Sam and she decides to spare him, possibly because she thinks she can brainwash him by giving him a kiss. Christine is also not fully healed and used up most of their energy supply and oxytocin. Yup, real dialogue. Of course we also find out that the entire ‘end of the world’ events from last episode were complete bullshit and I am pissed.
I’m just going to come right out and say it…you are so dumb, show! Joe says it best, “it’s like a TV screen, changing channels back and forth.” Which is what we should all do every Thursday night during Under the Dome. Sadly though, the dome has brainwashed us all.
Norrie, Joe and Julia are once again running through the forest when they come across Christine and her cult, who are also in the woods for no apparently good reason. Then, Christine says the greatest, and dumbest, thing ever as she gives out instructions: “The destruction that you witnessed outside the dome wasn’t real, it was an illusion. I projected it on the dome as a crucible meant to bring us all together. To strengthen us for the task to come. There are amethysts in this tunnel that need to be brought to the surface. We have some mining to do.” Yup, it all comes down to some mining folks! After all, the Domies haven’t evolved past the times of the gold rush so this makes total sense.
I should also mention that this wasn’t even the most ridiculous quote of the episode. Yup, that’s right…Christine also said this and my brain exploded: “The amethysts power the dome…like batteries. The egg kept them charged but when it was destroyed, the amethysts began to lose their energy and I used most of what energy was left to heal myself and to create the illusion that brought us together. If we bring the amethysts above ground I’m hoping we can recharge them. If we can’t, the dome’s surface will calcify and everyone inside will suffocate.” Does this make absolutely any sense to any one? Definitely not.
Christine has also been taking Sam’s blood, possibly because she’s also a vampire, and if you guessed this was for absolutely no good reason, you would be correct. She leaves Sam to make his own decision about joining the Kinship and obviously he’s going to join Camp Cult because this is Under the Dumb.
After eavesdropping on Camp Cult, Julia, lacking all judgment, decides to give Joe and Norrie her car and they drive away to Bird Island. Our teenagers drive off to the high school to find some schematics which Julia came across previously. Of course, we still have no idea what this is or why it’s even important, possibly because it was drawn by an 8-year-old or Mama Rennie.
And easily the best part of this entire episode was when Caroline came back yet again, this time wondering where Joe and Norrie ran off to. Worst parent ever. Norrie tries to use the power of emotion but it clearly isn’t working so Norrie goes into super bitch mode and basically tells Caroline how much she sucks at being a mom. Norrie even confesses to doing drugs and having sex with Joe against the dome. As if that’s gonna work.
Of course, none of this works because Caroline already knows she’s the worst mom ever. She also had the best reaction ever.
Yup, our deadbeat mom started creepily whistling in her daughter’s face. Even Norrie’s super bitchiness was no match for Caroline’s brainwashed mind and so she instructs her cult friends to take Joe and Norrie to the mine and put them to work. After all, the year is apparently 1850 during the Gold Rush so let’s hope no one dies of dysentery.
Big Jim and the Pod Person
Big Jim has been making tons of friends lately and he’s now hanging out with a pod person. Hunter does what he does best and nerds it up on the computer until we get a transmission from some chick named Lily.
She let’s Big Jim and Hunter know that the world is doing just fine and possibly now thinks they are on drugs. She asks Big Jim about Doctor Mardsen, the dude that was murdered with a metal can lid, and Big Jim lies to her saying the were taken by the dome aliens. But naturally, Big Jim says he can get the Doc back, he simply needs more guns, and explosives, so Lily eventually sends them a care package in exchange for the dead Doc and this is obviously not going to end well when they realize he has no pulse. Big Jim heads out to get his guns but not before this amazing quote:
Threatening a disabled person is definitely not cool but because this is Hunter, I’m going to allow it.
Later, Hunter gets his Skype on with Lily and asks her to send her his files in the ‘Tentacles’ folder but clearly this is just his secret porn stash. Before she can send the files over, however, Lily is interrupted by some randoms. Hunter is sad about not getting his porn and nothing is revealed but Lily does grab a gun and heads off to who knows where to deal with who knows what.
Peanut Butter and Julia
Barbie, like everyone else, wanders off into the woods after seeing Julia. He finds a walkie talkie which apparently Julia left for him, so they have a ridiculous chat about their relationship and about being brainwashed. Barbie is still sick and tired of Julia’s incessant bitching. I should also mention that they have only known each other for 3 weeks so Julia is clearly a crazy stalker. Luckily, Eva shows up and interrupts the reunion so Julia does what she does best and we have a brand new spin-off series in the making:
She finally reunites with Big Jim with the care package in hand, only this time he’s using explosives and off they go to start a war while Camp Cult mines for Amethysts and it appears they found a really big one:
So Julia and Big Jim wait for our miners to head off for lunch, leaving 3 guards in charge of the mine. Big Jim lets Julia know that she better have the balls to murder her ex-boyfriend Barbie if it comes down to it which we all know she won’t. Julia heads out to set off some type of smoke bomb while Big Jim murders one of the guards.
And because he’s a bad ass…
…he wipes the guys blood on his shirt! Classic Big Jim. He heads into the cave and plants the explosives but Barbie and Junior see what’s going on and head back down the Oregon Trail. As Big Jim leaves the caves, he’s confronted by Junior so he does what any father would do in this situation:
That’s right, he pulled a gun on Junior. Total Under the Dome decision-making at its best. This doesn’t last very long, however, and Junior tells his dad that he disowned him after burning his house down. Real dialogue, can’t make this shit up! Of course, Norrie’s solution of using emotions is clearly not working so Big Jim just knocks Junior out. Obviously.
While this is happening, Barbie finds the explosives in the mine shaft and tries to disarm the bombs but there are too many, a solid reminder of his NES playing days.
Barbie has no choice but to run away and get everyone out of the cave before it explodes…which it does:
And then, the worst possible thing ever happened to the worst possible mom. And I am devastated.
NOOOOOO! Seriously show, quit taking my favorite characters away. This list is getting massive: The Reverend, Linda, Phil, Benny, Joe’s Virginity and now Caroline. Obviously Joe and Norrie can’t get Caroline out before the entire cave collapses so she FINALLY does some parenting and tells the teens to get out of the cave and forget about her…after all, she is the world’s worst mom. So Joe and Norrie escape just in the nick of time and I am royally pissed that Caroline is dead.
After blowing up Cocoon Cavern, Julia and Big Jim decide they have to get back to Bird Island but not before they find Joe and Norrie who are stuck in the cave. Junior and Barbie help them out but before Camp Cult can surround them, they once again take off into the woods. Norrie ends up having a nervous breakdown even though she didn’t care about either of her moms when they were alive.
As the cult of idiots approaches, the teens are conveniently picked up by Big Jim and Julia who just so happened to be driving by. They head back to the docks for their much anticipated trip to Bird Island while Christine decides they all need to be murdered while the Dome appears to be calcifying. I guess the writers live by this slogan:
Ya, that’s how it ended. What in the fuck? And all I can say is that I really hope Big Jim’s dog is alright for Hunter’s sake. And mine. Besides Hunter, there is no one left to make fun of in Chester’s Mill and I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. After last week’s decent episode, this was easily the worst yet and I am dumbfounded at how dumb this show has gotten. Can we all just agree to bring back Linda?
Episode Score: MIKEY DISLIKES IT. THIS WAS THE WORST.
As soon as we found out the end of the world didn’t actually happen, I knew it was going to be an hour of absolute stupidity. The one good thing that happened on this show and the writers decide to take that away from us immediately by making it an illusion. Really? WTF, show. Not only that, Caroline was killed off and now there is barely any one left to make fun of. Let’s be honest here, there was no good reason to kill Caroline off. She was the worst mom ever and we all wanted it to stay that way. So now what…will Norrie find a new mom? Will Joe take advantage of this situation by having sex against the dome multiple times? Who was Lily going to deal with outside of the dome? Did Hunter look after Big Jim’s dog or will he have his arms broken by Big Jim? Will Julia continue her stalking of Barbie in an attempt to win him back? Why did the end of the world have to be an illusion? Will the dome pull a Humpty Dumpty and crack like an egg? Why do we still watch this show? Hopefully someday we get answers…but probably not.
I started re-reading the Stephen King novel and it’s absolutely fantastic compared to this hot mess. I encourage everyone to read it so they can regain some brain cells which should be rapidly decreasing with every hour of Under the Dome we watch.
Looks like next week we’re going with Plan B. Wait, what was Plan A anyways? Check out the promo below for what is sure to be another hour of pure idiocy: