Under the Dome: ‘Alaska’ Review


Under The Derp

Under the Derp

There are some things in life you just can’t fix. Under the Dome is one of those things. Did we really believe that Catherine Willows from CSI would actually be able to fix this dome wreck? Even when providing a ton of answers about the egg, nothing still seems to make any sense. Not only that, I truly believe that these townsfolk wouldn’t need any help killing themselves on their own. I mean, they already started like 10 different fires, the former sheriff impaled himself on some spikes like the Prince of Persia and parenting is no longer a thing with Caroline going MIA. Also, murder is totally cool in Chester’s Mill so there’s that too.

Alaska had answers regarding how the egg was found and what it can do but if you thought that any of it would make a lick of sense than shame on you because Domeville is a place where brain cells go to die.

There’s nothing better than some burning hair, a 40 oz of your favorite liquor and some oxytocin to go with this recap. Enjoy Domies!

Follow The Leader

Our episode starts off with Christine and Junior going on an oxytocin binge which apparently makes sex 1000X stronger. This may be the reason everyone was having sex against the dome last week.

"MMMM...Oxytocin."

Meanwhile, Barbie is still hanging out with his matrix girlfriend and Barbie reveals that Julia thinks Christine and Eva are hiding their true identities. And she was absolutely right for once. Eva refuses to tell Barbie the truth, so Barbie peaces the F out to go find another short term girlfriend.

"I can't be with someone for longer than 2 days."

Christine is one f’d up alien. She’s brainwashed Junior to help ‘save the town’ but I think it’s pretty obvious that she has ulterior motives. Then, this sentence happened, causing brain cells to die everywhere: “The dome’s energy supply is beginning to fail. When Jim Rennie destroyed the egg, he compromised our power source. One amethyst died this morning. The second one is losing power which is causing the amniotic fluid in the cavern to dry up. It’s only a matter of time before the dome begins to calcify. If the kinship can’t come together, we will all suffocate…” Christine is interrupted by Barbie before she can finish talking to her tape recorder but I can only imagine she meant they would all suffocate from their own farts.

I guess the purple rock was actually some sort of amethyst that is powered by the egg and helps keep the dome safe and sound. Quite possibly the most nonsensical explanation I have ever heard.

But before Barbie can get any answers, however, an entire ceiling collapses because apparently Junior and Christine cut a lot of corners when constructing the dorms.

Dome Disaster #741

And some new random guy, Pete, is pissed right off about it. Who can blame him really? This town has to deal with a new crisis every 25 minutes. It appears every single person in town only knows how to get themselves into the dumbest situations imaginable over and over and over again.

Barbie defuses the situation after Christine basically suggests that he needs to ‘take care of the problem’ and it’s pretty clear that she wants Barbie to murder Pete because apparently that kind of thing is normal in Chester’s Mill. But Barbie and Petey are army bros for life so this might be a bit more difficult for Christine than she anticipated.

Oh and some other nonsense worth noting…Sam is the new town drunk and is sick of listening to Christine because she won’t accept him for the piece of crap that he is, an actual quote from this episode, and so he heads off to get drunk with his new fling Abbie.

"She accepts me for the piece of crap I am."

Before Sam can stumble his way over, Christine shows up and does the opposite of what a therapist is supposed to do and basically tells Abbie she is a piece of shit mother that should go kill herself. Wait, WHAT? That’s some harsh shit right there Christine. You can’t say that stuff to someone who is already all suicidey.

So Abbie follows the leader and OD’s on some pills in the bathtub where Sam finds her taking an eternal bath.

Under the Dead

I have no idea why Christine needed to get rid of Abbie to get to Sam but hey, this is Under the Dome so we’ll just roll with it.

Accidents Happen

Back at Camp Dome, Joe is super happy about getting laid and him and Norrie catch up with creepy Hunter who is cooking the nastiest food I have ever seen.

Barf Bowls

I seriously hope there are enough toilets in Chester’s Mill or the town could be in deep shit when the farting begins…pun totally intended. Wouldn’t that be a plot twist for the ages. Norrie thinks it smells like burning hair and has also turned into a jerk when it comes to Hunter. She refuses to help and her and Joe skip off to work on Joe’s solar panels. But instead of doing work, they decide to cuddle in the middle of the lawn.

It's always sunny under joe's dome.

I think these two need some parental guidance in their lives…like maybe CAROLINE!!!??? Worst mom ever who disappears for 6-8 weeks at a time. It also looks like Joe is in complete control of this relationship now that Norrie ran back to him after she realized that Hunter was really a sexual predator in a nerdy disguise.

Norrie forces Joe to make a promise to murder her if she ever becomes a dome alien and obviously Norrie says she loves Joe now that they’ve had sex all over the dome. There is no way this relationship is going to have a happy ending, especially since Norrie is bat shit crazy.

Norrie and Joe take their cuddle party to a rooftop where they’re greeted by Hunter who needs the duo to head to town hall. Norrie’s reaction is priceless:

"Bitch, it's my day off"

So Joe invites Hunter up on the roof and we know something dumb is definitely going to happen. And it did.

Hunter gets thrown off the roof by Norrie.

So it looks like Hunter’s spine has had better days and Norrie and Joe are going to be in big shit when Caroline finds out about this. Oh wait, Caroline is MIA and the worst parent ever. In that case, the whole TOWN is going to be pissed and Norrie is totally guilty before being proven innocent since this town has no rational law and is now a zombified cult.

"She's a witch! Get her."

Joe and Norrie try to escape but unfortunately Joe’s chicken arms are much too weak to get through the angry mob.

Joe can't get by due to having no muscles.

You might want to start working out Joe. So it looks like Joe and Norrie are in big trouble for no reason whatsoever. I guess these are the consequences for having sex against the dome.

Best Buds

Julia and Big Jim are bestest of friends again after Barbie’s freak out last week and it looks like Big Jim has officially adopted that dog! He also tells Julia that the entire town is infected with whatever got into Christine when she dug the egg up. This actually makes no sense so if you’re lost, that is probably for the better. Of course, Julia continues her bitching so Big Jim tells her to shut up and heads off with his new best friend. Good times in Chester’s Mill.

#BESTBUDS

Obviously Big Jim decides to rig up some sort of explosives as a decoy to get the rest of these military dudes out of their hiding places. Yup, nothing like a game of Hide ‘n Seek under the dome. First one to explode loses…Big Jim’s rules, not mine.

Big Jim sets of landmine.

Of course, his plan works like a charm and the rest of the military dudes reveal their hiding spot to check out the explosion. Julia heads on in and starts hacking one of the computers but some doctor stops her before she can find anything useful besides a folder labelled Alaska. So what happened in Alaska? Well…if you guessed that a team went on an exploration to Alaska 25 years ago and discovered fragments of the egg in a meteoric crater then you definitely need to be a writer on Under the Dome because that was the explanation we got.

Science cannot explain this show

I think this clip from South Park could do a better job of explaining what the fuck is going on. Derp!

The egg emitted electrical charges when touched and apparently they believed this was going to save humanity. Unfortunately, the egg ended up possessing these scientist dudes and they ended up on the computer game Lemmings. Remember that game? Way better than this show.

Lemmings

Once infected by the egg shards, the group will follow their leader anywhere, including off of a building. I think my brain just exploded. The scientists’ bodies were teeming with cells never found in anyone on Earth. So that’s the explanation…someone just give me a barf bowl please.

So I guess the military is looking for Christine since she was the first one who touched the egg and is now going to lead a dome full of idiots to their death even though I’m pretty sure if she just left them alone, they would all be dead within a couple of weeks anyways. Regardless, Julia is tasked with leading the military to Christine while Big Jim hopes and prays they just pull the trigger on his Under the Dome career.

"Please just pull the trigger"

Big Jim ends up getting locked in some big bird cage which possibly came from Bird Island and the doctor and his goons threaten to murder Big Jim’s new dog if he doesn’t tell them where the egg is. And since Big Jim will only do anything for his new dog that he’s had for like 2 days, he gives in and tells them he smashed the egg.

The Dome Pound

So they lock Big Jim in the Dome Pound and explain to him that Christine is some kind of experiment and he is going to be ‘the control’, whatever the dome fuck that means.

For Pete’s Sake

Christine, our new leader, meets up with best bud Eva back in the cocoon cavern and it looks as though Eva is supposed to be having a baby with Barbie to replace Christine as the new leader so obviously she slimes Eva so she’ll be all sexual with Barbie since that’s a thing now. And the 10,000th sentence that I did not think would ever exist now does.

World of Goo

So Eva, now brainwashed by dome slime, is off to have Barbie put a baby inside of her while Junior and Christine are busy playing with some purple rock thing in the cocoon cavern.

As dumb as a purple rock

If that wasn’t enough, remember the great dorm collapse of 2015 that occurred earlier? Well as it turns out, someone had actually cut through the beams that caused the dorm collapse and Barbie thinks Pete was responsible. So Christine does what any good dome alien would do, she tells Pete that Barbie is going to murder the fuck out of him. She is then somehow kidnapped by Julia who takes her to those military dudes and they’re heading to good ole Bird Island to cure Christine which is clearly not going to work since Eva and Junior are also infected.

Vacation at Bird Island

Paranoid Pete needs to take matters into his own hands so he rigs up a bomb in an attempt to try to kill Barbie so he can take his place and steal his girl. Go get ’em Pete.

Things are getting explosive

But then Pete decides to smack Eva in the face and Barbie is having none of it. Since murder is totally cool in Chester’s Mill he takes his trusty baseball bat and smashes the shit out of Pete. Yikes!

Barbie plays some baseball.

Always fun times playing baseball with Pete’s head. So there you have it…another absolutely ridiculous hour of television where it has become pretty clear that we are never going to get any answers to anything ever.

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY DISLIKES IT 

Watching this show might be worse than masturbating with poison ivy. Every single explanation they provided was complete DERP although I suppose it was fun watching Hunter getting pushed off a roof by a teenage girl! But is Barbie even going to get in trouble for MURDERING Pete? Or is pushing someone off of a roof a much worse crime in Chester’s Mill? Will the dome fill up with fart gas and kill everyone? When will Caroline make her much anticipated return to Dome life? All I know is that I feel like eggs for breakfast. Hope you enjoyed the recap Domies! Don’t forget to check out the preview for next week’s hour of stupidity, titled Caged, and it looks like things are about to get even more dumb since anything is possible on this show. Til next week:

 

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2 responses

  1. I actually enjoyed that episode just because of the sudden bat slaughter at the end. Idk why but it made me feel like I was watching the Walking Dead for a moment…

  2. This is fucking hilarious!

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