American Horror Story: Freakshow ‘Massacres and Matinees’ Review ‘Feelin’ Like A Criminal’

It's A Jungle In Here AHS FreakShow

Elsa Mars: “So what does that make you?” Dell Toledo: “The Happiest Man on Earth.”

Holy crap AHS! Not to be outdone by last week’s premiere, American Horror Story’s Freak Show decided to dive head first into Twisty’s sick mind. Amazon Eve’s look says it all. I need a cigarette too. Like MEOW! Plus we got the brand new addition of two awesome new characters, those being Dell Toledo (played by Michael Chiklis) and my already personal fave Desiree Dupree (played by the Voodoo Queen herself, Angela Bassett). Shall we all let out a collective SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT! Here she is in all her hermaphrodite(y) glory:

Cus three titties are better than three heads. Desiree DupreeHow do you like dem apples melons? Three boobs, proper girl parts and a ding-a-ling!!! I mean can this show get any better??? I think not. For your listening pleasure, I’ve included one of my personal favorite bands Silverchair and, even though it wasn’t in the episode, it only seemed appropriate. So I dedicate this to Tri-Boob and the rest of you freaks…body and soul 😉 Enjoy the jam and the review and don’t forget the music section for some AMAZEBALLS!

World’s Strongest Dickhead

Dell Toledo Somebody That I Used To KnowWe got some great new characters in Massacres and Matinees and I instantly thought about this song as soon as Ethel referred to Dell as somebody that she used to know:

Finally Angela Basset, Michael Chiklis and Patti LaBelle made their AHS Freak Show debuts and it was epic! I already love Desiree! And they even took us back to Chicago for a quick flashback to show us just how much of a Rageaholic this Dell guy is. Apparently, him and Ethel used to date…so it’s no wonder she is none to pleased about him coming back. Screw Ex’s! But in all seriousness, like Twisty’s balloons, don’t mess with the boobs!

You Dun Fucked With The Wrong TitsDesiree and Dell were performing in Chicago for the Giuseppe Brothers til Dell went all Busta Neck. I did a bit of research and found an interesting article on Bustle about where this Giuseppe Bros. idea cane friom so check it out here if you’re interested. Did I also mention Dell’s got a hate on for all things Bae!

Not The BaeOh Dell, you cray cray. No one hurts the Bae! Luckily the bearded woman came to the rescue but clearly this guy has anger issues. Move over Charlie Sheen.

The daddy and son relationship issues continued throughout the episode and even though Dell came up with the Matinee idea, which was much needed with the new curfew in place, he is clearly on steroids and is raging out of control.


Kill the Copper, SHowstopperJust your typical meal in freakland! You can pour me a drink ANY DAY Legless Suzy! LOVE! Course, Jimmy ‘Lobster Boy’ Darling freaks out and decides that it’s time to have a dead body burning party!

regular-peopleArcade Fire said it best “Is there anything as strange as a normal person!?” Man, the irony. I LOVE IT! Jimmy says they’re just regular people who also happen to be burning a dead cop’s body parts. Not sure about you guys, but that doesn’t seem regular to me. Nor does chanting “Kill The Copper” at dinner time. Yet somehow it is impossible not to cheer for these guys. We are all freaks, am I right?!

Body parts aside, what an amazing cast of characters. Who is there NOT to love, they all kick so much ass. It is too bad we got our first freak death at the end of the episode 😦 More on that later.

Who You Rolling With?Plus, this happened after Jimmy’s Dad went all apeshit yet again and honestly, I want meatloaf MEOW, with extra Pepper:

Pepper Wants MeatloafWhat is not to like about her. I am very curious to really get into her back story so we can finally see how she ended up in Briarcliff. That Asylum doesn’t even seem scary now thanks to that clown…what was his name again?

World’s Most Fucked Up Play Date

The Sign Says It All: Halloween FunJust when you think this show can’t get any more fucking fucked, it does. If little boys are made of snips and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails and little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, Twisty is made of dirty socks and snake scales and human entrails! The guy is just plain fucked. His first act of kindness in this episode involved decapitating some old dude and this:

Scissor Me TimbersIn other news, adult-sized baby bottles made especially for Cognac drinkers has seen an enormous spike in sales thanks to our good friend, and crazy mofo, Dandy Mott:

The Dandy Baby BottleJust classic. We have seen it all…oh wait, nope, We haven’t because I’m sure there are going to be a million trillion more WTF moments. And there was. After Dandy runs away from the escargot (apparently this boy was NOT made of snails), and its revealed that not even pregnant hungry hungry hippos on a safari could cheer this kid up, his mommy goes and gets him a new toy since he is bored as fuck. And by toy I mean Twisty. Also, welcome to the Freak Show, Patti Labelle (who played the Mott’s maid, Nora). She must be a pretty damn good maid too cus that Play Room be spotless!

The Play RoomDandy decides to do a little snooping around and Twisty don’t play that!

Twisty and Dandy Clownin' AroundTwisty, if you’re listening, feel free to do that to my ex! I won’t mind, honestly. Dandy didn’t either and the two BFF’s were off chasing after escaped children like nothing ever happened. But something did happen. And it was fucking TERRIFYING!

Anti-Dentite AmbassadorWell I just barfed. My God that is absolutely fucked! No other word describes it except the F word! And I swear we better find out how this guy got his entire mouth and jaw ripped off because that is wildly freakish! It is no wonder Twisty is probably going to be getting his hate on for the Freak Show very soon because this guy is the epitome of freak! Be right back while I check my closet…

Meep Meep…Ya Dead

Dot and Bette sing Feeling Like A CriminalWhat can I say about Dot and Bette. First off, I love the song choice. But more importantly, it was shot amazingly well. We got to see the band, the crowd, Jimmy and Elsa staring each other down, and Bette trying to get off stage while supplying the back-up vocals!! Freakishly amazing stuff! Oh, and adorableness:

The Worlds Tiniest ViolinSo cute 🙂 The performance was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Elsa is pissed! UBER PISSED (#TIMMY, for those who saw last night’s South Park…Lordey Lordey Lorde). She goes to Bette in the middle of the night to convince her that Dot is trying to ruin her fun! And boy oh boy we have ourselves one helluva interesting story. I also read somewhere that if one of the heads dies, the other one will die shortly after so I can’t imagine they would try to kill one another? Then again, this show is FUCKED! Be sure to check out the music section below as I’ve included the YouTube video of Sarah Paulson’s criminally awesome performance. Don’t miss it.

Before our episode ends though, Elsa visits Bette while Dot sleeps and decides to give her a knife. Just in case these regular folk want to murder each other.

Ze Spy With Ze Little EyeThen we get the event that is going to turn things on their head. First, Jimmy Darling attempts to frame his father Dell for killing the copper but that plan failed miserably. Dell ends up finding the badge and planting it in Meep’s trailer although we should probably assume the geek lives in a chicken coop. Regardless, Meep’s going to prison and his chances of being murdered and raped are a million trillion per cent:

Meep Meep is about to go to Sleep SleepSo I guess this starts the all out war between the freaks and the coppers because Meep…well, ya dead. They sent him back to Lobster Boy and the rest of his crew and they are none too happy about it. Let’s all weep for Meep the Geek.

Weep for MeepI’m gonna miss that little chicken head eating rascal! Regardless, this death is probably going to set off a shit storm of events so get your Cotton Candy ready for next week as the tradition continues with the first part of a two-part Halloween episode! Can’t FREAKIN’ wait! If you have a favorite part from the episode feel free to leave a comment and get ya freak on!

Next Season and Lana Del Rey

AHS Opening NightRENEWED! Did we really have any doubts. Ryan Murphy has already been talking about Season 5 and I am almost positive I have found the clues from the first two episodes that will give us our next locale. As you can see above, Dandy decided to have a puppet show with himself. You’ve been told a million trillion times that puppets are for children! But he does say “Puppetry is a sad cousin to a live performance”. I get the feeling AHS is going Glee next season. And more proof: Elsa is cutting out a newspaper article in the premiere for Alfred Hitchcock’s Stage Fright! Need I say more? Would love to hear anyone else’s ideas though but I think this might be it! And if so, we’re going to the theater next season so get ya popcorn ready!

I'm getting a raging clueOf course, I could be completely freakin wrong but in all likelihood, I think I’m onto something! For more info on Hitchcock’s Stage Fright, CLICK HERE.

The other tidbit we already know is that Jessica Lange is going to be singing a Lana Del Rey song. Which song remains a mystery but I had a chance to check out some of her tracks and may have inadvertently found the song. It is off her latest album Ultraviolence and the track is called Fucked My Way To The Top. I can see it now…Elsa Mars singing “This is my show” to a packed house! Check ‘er out:

Oh and did I mention the show went to Chicago…I have this strange feeling Twisty is going to be part of that Chicago story. Either Ryan Murphy and his crew read my damn article (which you can find here: My Top 6 AHS Settings For Next Season) or I should join the Freak Show immediately as a fortune telling Gypsy 😉 which by the way, we will be seeing next week. Emma Roberts is returning with her sexy, bad ass self as Esmeralda! Check out the preview for the beginning of the traditional Halloween two-parter, titled Edward Mordrake Pt. 1. I’ll have much more on THAT story next week as it is BAT. SHIT. CRAZY. And based on real life events. For more on Mordrake, click HERE.

Lastly, Lily Rabe…I miss your face! Please be in this season! Release your Freak for the world to see!

The Music (Brought to you by Creepy Walking Robot Toys)

DERPAfter going to Mars last week, we were given an extra special treat with Sarah Paulson’s rendition of Criminal and it didn’t disappoint. First off, I absolutely love that song to begin with, Fiona Apple is a bad ass! Second, two heads singing the same song and Sarah Paulson doing her own background vocals! Maybe two heads are better than three boobies after all. Regardless, just sit back and relax and enjoy as I’ve included both the original Fiona Apple music video as well as the American Horror Story version which was so well shot and just all around AMAZEBALLS! And please subscribe to these guys because they do an amazing job at getting the vids we all want out!!! Click here for their YouTube page, hit subscribe and let the good times roll. And don’t worry, I don’t promote anything that I don’t like cus, well, Mikey Likes It!

Join The Band: AHS Meets Spotify

Also a couple of other songs from the episode. The episode started off to the first track, a symphony by Marthanne Verbit titled Valentine Waltzes #2. It’s creepy and beautiful!

Lastly, this jam came at the beginning as well right before our cast hears the radio announcement about the curfew. Sloppy Drunk by Walter Brown, circa 1947! Great music as per usual and I would expect nothing less from AHS! Dance, Dance Freaks!

The Verdict

EPISODE SCORE: 11 / 10 Sarah Paulson singing Fiona Apple did it for me. As much as I love David Bowie (and the Labyrinth, which is GETTING A SEQUEL), I much preferred the two-headed Bette and Dot getting criminal! Absolutely mind-blowing!!!! In fact, I preferred the Matinee over last week’s premiere which is why it is getting extra points. We even got to see what was under Twisty’s mask and it did not disappoint. Definitely curious to see what Dandy and Twisty get up to next. It is not a good day to be a freak or a geek, of which I am both. I’ll go hide meow.

Pick a Freak, Any Freak

Get Your Stripes On every WednesdayOnce again, vote for your favorite freak! I’ve added Desiree Dupree, Dell Toledo and Dandy to the mix! Don’t forget to wear your stripes next Wednesday for what should be another freakishly good time! I’ll be playing some Ping Pong in the meantime (NOT THE DESIREE KIND!!!!) Cheers and Fears!!!


2 responses

  1. I love the graphics you have for these—good screenshots and nice captions. 🙂

    I particularly loved the rendition of “Criminal” as well, but I it was a bit overshadowed for me by the scenes in the Mott home. The set and costume design there was absolutely fantastic, and that fish dish that Patti LaBelle brought in was a thing of horrible beauty.

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