Game of Thrones: ‘The Children’ Review


Where Do Whores Go?

sailing-away

Well, even though it aired on Father’s Day, last nights season finale of Game of Thrones was all about ‘The Children‘, and even though the title is probably referring to the Children of the Forest, the focus of the entire episode was on the children of Westeros–those mainly being Jon Snow, Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, Arya and of course Dany’s dragons–Rhaegar and Viserys.

Further, this Season Finale was easily the best one of all of the others for a variety of reasons and, I would argue, was the first time that the Finale outdid the penultimate episode before it.

And to top it all off, with the way things ended, there is going to be speculation abound for what awaits us next season.

So, now that you have your cup filled with wine and your plate full of pigeon pie, check out the rest of the review below (Warning: Graphic images follow):

Winter Is Still Coming…Even If You’re A Wildling

cool-formationOur episode begins right where we left off last week, with Jon Snow heading out to treat with Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall. A bit different from the book would be an understatement…in the show Jon voluntarily goes himself, in the books he his basically sent by certain members of the Night’s Watch with the hope that he would be immediately killed by the Wildlings for turning his cloak.

And Mance is still pretty pissed that he’s only been in two episodes for the span of the entire SERIES:

mance-and-jon-treatingThere is a brief discussion about how Mance and the Wildings aren’t trying to take down the Wall. In fact, that couldn’t be further from the real reason–they are simply looking to hide behind the Wall themselves. And, in a back-to-back twist that would make M. Night Shyamamamalan proud, a massive army of knights on horseback show up and start attacking the Wildlings:

epic-shot-stannis-arrives-at-the-wallSweet shot above of Stannis’ army coming from both sides on the Wildlings. It was an epic attack to say the least. And folks, the North is about to get very interesting because Stannis, Davos and Melisandre have finally given us a brand new storyline at the Wall.

Plus, this Wildling has the biggest set of balls EVER:

stannis-fucks-random-upSo with Mance Rayder and Tormund Giantsbane now being held captive by Stannis and his crew, one can only wonder how Jon and the Night’s Watch is going to handle this new arrival. But I guess we should also be wondering what Stannis and Davos have planned now that they have arrived in the North! Stannis + R’hollor + Melisandre + the Wall = Northern Lights for Season 5 and Mikey Likes It! 🙂

How To Train Your Dragon

how-to-train-your-dragon-2-dany-gotMeanwhile, way East in Meereen, Dany was back to her usual, boring ‘holding court’ ways. First up, some old dude who used to be a slave. Essentially, he has no where to go and nothing to do and wants to go back to being a slave. Because in Essos, those that can’t do, sell themselves back to slavery. Dany is obviously at an impasse since she doesn’t understand why these guys don’t want their freedom. Who said politics was a fun career!

But things really get interesting when this other dude with really good acting skills shows up, carrying the bones of his daughter:

dragon-foodEveryone in court is in shock that a dragon could do such a thing and everyone else watching this show is like ‘What, really? You really think a dragon isn’t going to burn the shit out of any living, breathing creature???’ So Dany does what any good mother would do…

rhaegar-viserys-chained-up…and chains up her remaining dragons, Rhaegar and Viserys, in a catacomb. In fact, I get the feeling that we will be getting a whole load of A Dance with Dragons (the 5th book in the saga) next season, especially with the dragons now being shackled up. PETA is going to have a field day with this one!

Mortal Kombat

arya-dancingThe Finale also brought us some BIG TIME changes when Brienne and Podrick come across Arya and The Hound on their travels. And let me tell you, it didn’t disappoint:

briennevsthehoundThey really should have put the Mortal Kombat theme song in the background for this one!

And even though none of this happened in the books (The Hound and Arya never met up with Brienne), we were treated to one of THE BEST, MOST INTENSE fight scenes I have ever witnessed in the history of fight scenes. Both Brienne and The Hound can easily hold their own in battle and it was classic watching these two go toe-to-toe on the cliffs of The Eyrie. Plus, just look at all these great moments:

Brienne gets kicked in the Vagina

ear-spit-Brienne

Hound-falling-off-cliffThe Hound took one helluva beating, holy fuck!  But the one really cool thing about all of this was that the writers made the story SO MUCH BETTER by making the changes they did, even if those of us who have read the books knew what the outcome would be (let’s just say that there is a big surprise awaiting us next season).

And the really, really cool thing about this is that The Hound is 95% not dead and 95% not going to die. I understand that this is GRRM we’re talking about here and he’s a DICK with his character deaths, but hear me out…for those that have read the books, go back and check Brienne’s story in Book 4, specifically when she is visiting the Quiet Isles. There is a big clue about The Hound here, although still very much speculation.

But with this episode also giving us a glimpse of The Mountain lying on his death bed, I think this all but confirms that a showdown between The Hound and his brother The Mountain are inevitable.

arya-robbing-the-houndFurther proof: Arya doesn’t kill The Hound, she just leaves him to die (same as in the books). I am calling this right MEOW, you have not seen the last of Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane (and relax, you spoiler-free crazy mofo’s because this is purely speculation from the books as The Hound’s story on the show is now officially completely caught up with the books)!

Back To Your Roots

The Tree, Bran, Hodor, SummerBran, The Reed’s and Hodor, off on a journey far beyond the wall, and apparently out of the range of our story for the last 4 episodes. But clearly, the writers made up for that since this was one of the best scenes of the entire damn SERIES! Not only that, I think this scene finally confirms Jojen’s fate for all those who have read the books.

But in this case, we still got one of the most epic scenes directly from the stories that filled in some major gaps and can put to rest some major speculation.

After coming across the giant tree, Bran and crew come to a cave in the distance with only a short walk to go. Which, of course, can only mean one thing! SKELETON ATTACK!!!!!

Zombie Skeletons AttackJojen, somehow, gets pulled away by these dead creatures and is stabbed repeatedly:

jojen-deathBut luckily they get some help in the shape of this little girl:

children-of-the-forestWait, WHAT THE FUCK!?!? How the hell is this little girl going to possibly help, looking all innocent and poor. Huh, what’s that you have in your pocket little girl?

throwing-bombsFUCKING HELL! And then…she throws it at JOJEN:

Jojen's DeathJesus H. Christ. I can only assume this was done to prevent Jojen from coming back as a skeleton zombie, but was that really necessary?!?! Of course, there were theories galore from the books regarding lil’ Jojen and what exactly happened to him…the main theory goes a little something like this: Jojen was made into paste by Mr. Tree Man and then fed to Bran, possibly to inherit his powers or some shit. Either way you look at it, Jojen was doomed regardless of whether he appeared in the books or the TV show!

After Jojen is disintegrated, they finally go into the cave and meet the Lord of the Trees:

lord-of-the-trees-bryndenAnd this guy looks so bad ass! He is clearly connected to this giant tree somehow and has probably been around for a very, very long time given the fact that he tells Bran and crew that he has been watching them since they were born.

The other rather obvious foreshadowing is when he tells Bran that he is going to fly some day…and everyone everywhere is guessing he is going to warg into one of Dany’s dragon…but doesn’t that seem a little obvious? I should also add that Bran’s story in the series is now caught up to A Dance With Dragons, so anything they do with these guys in the next season will be new to EVERYONE! Let the good times roll.

The Joys of Fatherhood

I can assure you that the team over at HBO knew what they were doing by airing this episode on Father’s Day. Case in point: Tyrion ends up murdering his prick of a father, on the shitter I might add, but there was nothing unsatisfying about this death. It was pure ecstasy finally watching Tyrion serve out his revenge.

First though, some revealing moments take place in King’s Landing, almost all of which involved Tywin Lannister. First, Cersei basically tells Tywin that the rumours going around about her and Jaime and incest love are true. Tywin, of course, is in complete denial:

tywin-in-denialThe fact that Cersei and Jaime are Tommen’s true parents would leave a shit stain all across the Lannister name so Tywin naturally denies everything and I guess we can’t blame him since, if the truth does happen to get out, Tommen would no longer be the rightful King and Tywin would lose all of his power. But, as it turns out, Cersei revealing this info would matter not.

First though, we also get to see The Mountain in all his dying glory, poisoned by Manticore venom during the trial-by-combat.

qyburn-treating-the-mountainNot sure if Cersei is holding her nose at the smell of the dying Mountain or the fact that Cat Pee Pycelle is standing in front of her! But as you can see, Qyburn is up to something and, as I predicted earlier, this supports my theory that we may be heading towards a sibling vs. sibling showdown (and for book readers–it might just be another trial-by-combat, if you know what I mean, ZOMG the possibilities of THAT).

And to wrap things up in King’s Landing, Jaime ends up saving his little bros ass and helping him escape (but not without a little help from a spider, of course). Tyrion, being the shit disturber that he is (pun totally fucking intended) has other plans.

The first of which is sending Shae somewhere nice:

Shae's-DeathTyrion, heading through the secret passages of King’s Landing, heads up to his father’s bed chambers (I think) and finds Shae in his bed, making Tywin the BIGGEST HYPOCRITE EVER! Who doesn’t HATE people like that! Luckily for all of us though, Tyrion is on our side and before making his true escape, he confronts his father, on Father’s Day, on the toilet, and the results put a smile on everyone’s face everywhere:

Twyins-DeathQuite the way to go if you ask me. Although if anyone deserves this kind of death it is most definitely Tywin Lannister. Though, one very minor change from the books that I wasn’t very fond of, hence the title of this weeks review, was Tywin’s final words to Tyrion. In the books, there was a lot more going on with Tyrion’s back story which involved a woman he had once loved and the despicable things Tywin had done. Even Jaime comes into play in this story. It would have been a lot more difficult to incorporate this back story into the TV series without the use of flashbacks. Either way you look at it, Tyrion better be asking everyone where whores go next season or I am going to be none to happy.

But Tywin’s death was one thing: not expected/planned. Varys aided Jaime in Tyrion’s escape in the end but he had not planned on Tyrion taking a crossbow to his father which should complicate pretty much everyone’s plans now and also make for a super interesting Season 5, especially with Tyrion in a crate, on a boat off to who knows where.

Tyrion-gets-boxedAnd so ends another absolutely fantastic season of Game of Thrones, easily the best one yet. Now everyone go enjoy the SUMMER because winter isn’t coming for another ten months!

Next Season

To sum up this season in one word: AMAZEBALLS! And we had a slew of deaths to go with it, just check out this list (which is not even exhaustive): Joffrey, The Hound (supposedly, but I think we’ll be seeing him again), The Mountain (see The Hound), Jojen Reed, Ygritte, Grenn, Pyp, Shae, Tywin and Lysa Arryn. Talk about massive death count for Season 4. This can only mean one thing: a slew of new character introductions next season.

What I am really hoping for is a brand new introduction to Dorne, on the heels of Oberyn’s death, and we need more time spent on the Iron Islands, although I can totally now see where they are going with this for next season. If I had to guess, and if you haven’t read the books you’re not going to know who any of these people are, but I’m guessing we will be seeing Hyle Hunt, Aeron, Euron/Victarion, the Sand Snakes, Quentyn Martell, Darkstar, Myrcella, Griff/Young Griff, Val and an entire new cast of characters up in Meereen (i.e. Hizdahr, Reznak, Skahaz, etc). If I had a wish list, that would be it because I feel like all of these characters play very important roles in the books (or at least they will). And no, I haven’t forgotten about ‘her’… we all know she’s coming 🙂

I’m thinking my list might be a little too long, but they did wrap up A LOT of stuff this season which makes me think they will be able to focus a bit more on these awesome, intriguing new characters.

With the end of Game of Thrones, I’ll be back reviewing Under the Dome’s second season, starting with the premiere on Monday, June 30th.

“And now Season 4’s Watch has ended.”

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