Game of Thrones: ‘Two Swords’ Review

Cross My Heart and Hope To Die, Stick A Needle In Your Eye


Game of Thrones kicked off its 4th Season on Sunday and it was…well, pretty uneventful if you ask me but then again, I know what’s coming :)! After last season’s Red Wedding, I decided that I simply could not wait 10 months to find out what in the fuck happens in Westeros, so I took out on a quest of my own and read all 5 of the novels in a month. Needless to say I’m still as confused as ever but the show makes a helluva lot more sense now that I have sorted out who is who (it only took 3 freaking seasons)!

That said, I won’t be spoiling anything here so nothing to worry about. I also have to admit that the first episode lacked a bit of a sizzle and I’m not sure if that’s because this is the first season of GoT that I’ve watched after reading the novels or because it was really just not that good and more of a ‘set-up’ episode for things to come. Also, when the fuck is the 6th book coming out, Jesus H. Christ!

We also had a slew of new character introductions so I’ll do my best to sort them out so we can all have a better idea of just exactly what in the fuck is going on!

Dorne Porn

Oberyn Martell

The first big introduction of Season 4 is Oberyn Martell aka The Red Viper. He hails from the South (Dorne) and has arrived in King’s Landing for Joffrey and Margaery’s big wedding. And he comes with a TON of baggage which is not good for the Lannisters since the they are not the only ones who pay their debts!


Oberyn sort of explains why he is so pissed off to Tyrion and it is pretty important to understanding this guy. Princess Elia, who was also from Dorne, was married to Rhaegar Targaryen and was killed brutally by The Hound’s brother (nicknamed The Mountain) during the sack of King’s Landing which took place prior to the events in the story. And to make things even more interesting, it would have been Tywin who gave the order to have them killed. Quit being so damn complicated show!

So Oberyn has some grudges against the Lannister’s and I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. Also, Oberyn and his paramour, Ellaria Sand, also enjoy their fair share of promiscuous sex with many prostitutes. Dornish Porn has arrived in King’s Landing.

Styr The Pot

Two Swords also gave us a quick look at the Wildings who are on their way to the Wall and it appears they have picked up some new friends in the form of Thenn’s, who managed to find them because of the warg who was killed by Jon Snow last season.

Their leader is one crazy bad ass looking dude, aka Styr the Magnar of Thenn. I think there is a bunch of various groups throughout the lands north of the wall and it appears they are all forming an alliance in order to attack the wall and the Night’s Watch. Not looking good for Jon Snow, Sam and the rest:

Stry Magnar of Thenn

Also these dudes enjoy eating human body parts. Yummy yummy.

The Green Mile

Dany and her crew are pretty much done with Yunkai and are heading to Meereen but before I get to that, it is worth mentioning that the stupid show recast Daario Naharis for no good reason. He has literally transformed into a completely new person and Mikey Dislikes that bullshit.


So on the way to Meereen, Dany’s crew finds a ton of dead slaves hung up every mile along the way and, holy fuck heads are gonna roll. 163 miles = 163 dead slaves and Dany is clearly not impressed with the whole murdering and crucifying slaves so I cannot wait until they finally arrive. She even insists that she will see every single one of their dead faces on the way! Jesus Dany, you are one sick fuck but you are also one bad ass Targaryen.


 Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off To Meereen We Go

Also, DRAGONS! Which looked absolutely fucking fantastic. Smaug–all I can say is that you just plain suck compared to these three:


What The Fuck’s A Lommy?


So after the events of the Red Wedding at The Twins, the Hound plans on taking Arya to her Auntie Lysa at the Eyrie (you will remember her from Season 1, she was the one breastfeeding her son who was also WAY WAYYYY too old for that shit)!

Now, how can anyone not love the relationship between Arya and Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane. They just work so well together and the scene in the Inn was near perfect (although the ending played out a bit different in the book so I’m very curious to see what happens next with these two).

Easily the best line of the entire episode, The Hound had me in hysterics when he asked “What the fuck’s a Lommy?” and clearly everyone is going to be asking that same question for the entire week! Love it♥!

But once inside the Inn, Arya realizes that Polliver is in attendance and still has her prized possession, Needle (her sword). Polliver is also the one who killed Lommy in a previous season.

Of course, this wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without a huge argument over chickens and with that, The Hound and Arya kick some major ass, Arya gets Needle back and even gets to stab Polliver through the neck with it!!!


And after murdering pretty much everyone in the Inn, off they go on some new adventure, although this is drastically different than the book so I am very, very curious and cautiously optimistic to see what happens with these two.

The Rest of Westeros

Just a couple of other quick things to note from this episode, including some minor, albeit important characters I wanted to point out:

1. Jon Snow and the Night’s Watch

Jon is back at the Night’s Watch and it is not looking good for him after he admits to Maester Aemon (the blind dude), Janos Slynt (you will remember him from King’s Landing from previous seasons and he is still a fucking prick) and Alliser Thorne (another prick) that he put his weenie in Ygritte’s firebush.


Apparently sleeping with anyone is a big no-no in the Night’s Watch but Jon gets off (pun totally intended) because he got a shit-ton of intel from the Wildings and pretty much saves the day! Regardless, the Wildings (bad ass Thenn’s included) are on the way and all hell is going to break loose at the Night’s Watch! And did I mention GIANTS ARE COMING!

2. Qyburn

I want to point him out because I never knew he was already in the damn show, but he was the one who made Jaime’s gold hand. He hasn’t done much and probably won’t do much but he will eventually play a bigger role as the story progresses even though he is just a Maester. Plus, he doesn’t smell like dead cats (LOL Pycelle, you dirty grub).


3. Ser Dontos

Again, nothing much happened here but definitely worth noting since this guy appeared in a previous season. He ends up meeting Sansa and gives her some medallion. He was also hammered.


He will definitely be more involved in upcoming episodes so pay attention folks.

4. Brienne


Gotta love the above image of Brienne all dressed up. She looks like she just pooped her pants and clearly doesn’t fit in in King’s Landing whatsoever but at least it provided us with a little bit of comic relief. Not too much happened here besides Brienne explaining to Margaery that she was not the one responsible for killing Renly.

Next Week

Clearly, not much really happened besides the awesome Inn scene with Arya and The Hound. This episode was more about setting things up and Arya and Jaime getting their swords back but a lot more shit is definitely about to go down, I assure you of that.

In the meantime, check out the preview for next week’s episode, titled The Lion and the Rose. I’ll give you a hint–those are the sigils for House Lannister and House Tyrell so I’m thinking Joffrey and Margaery’s royal wedding could be taking place next week. Enjoy!



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