Witch Burning 101, Lesson #1: How to Burn a Witch
If anything, this show has become a life event for me. Every Wednesday I turn off all the lights and get spooky with it! Last night’s episode, ‘Burn, Witch. Burn!’, literally took my breath away for all the right reasons. But there was one scene, and I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about, that will forever live in infamy through the memories of my imagination! Like something straight out of a Quentin Tarantino flick, you just couldn’t look away– even though, ya know, they were friggin’ BURNING A WOMAN ALIVE!
There was so much action and story going on last night I hardly know where to start. So many twists and turns– it’s usually at this point in the season that I start to lose track of where the writer’s are going with the story! I mean– we had zombie daughters out for revenge, a failed attempt to overthrow the Supreme, a double blindside at Witch Council and a good ole’ fashion REAL WITCH BURNING that took a page straight out of Quentin Tarantino’s cult classic Reservoir Dogs. If you don’t watch this show, I feel sorry for you! 🙂
And just to set the mood a little, I’ve included the audio track from the song they played during that Witch burning scene last night, Dr. John’s 1973 classic ‘Right Place, Wrong Time’:
Army of Darkness… and Witches
The episode begins on Halloween in 1831 New Orleans, back in the days when it was totally not cool to be black. Our maid friend, LaLaurie, is celebrating Hallow’s Eve with her version of ‘Guess What’s In The Bowl?’.
“Go on… cop a feel!”
Did I mention that this game takes place in her ‘Chamber of Horrors’. Do not go in there, Jacques! Of course, he does anyways and starts feeling up whatever is inside! Those ain’t grapes Jacques:
1830’s Version of Fear Factor?
And I don’t think those are sausages Jacques:
Nom Nom Nom!
The real lesson to be learned from all of this, however, is that you do not want to fuck with Mother LaLaurie! Even if you have special LaLaurie daughter status! Although I guess it would kinda suck if your moms was a serial murderer who ran a chamber of horrors– probs not a good idea to bring your boyfriend over on HALLOWEEN! So the 3 daughters plot to murder their mother since clearly they ain’t ever gettin’ laid in a house like that!
But LaLaurie finds out about this plot and, as we all know, it doesn’t end well for the daughters! LaLaurie is pissed right off and ends up locking them in cages with the rest of her ‘slaves’. And since her daughters were “full of shit” about the whole murder plot thing, LaLaurie decides to take the phrase ‘eat shit’ to a whole new level!
The inventor of the phrase ‘Eat Shit’.
Flash forward to present time and LaLaurie’s daughters are back. Except this time, they are back as Voodoo Zombie Bitches, summoned by the Voodoo Queen who is out for revenge on LaLaurie and the Coven. But they are just chilling on the front lawn minding their own business… for now! That’s when shit really starts to get fucked up! Luke Ramsey, the local neighbor boy and idiot, decides to go for a walk because he thinks it’s just some elaborate prank!
“See, guys… no big deal, someone just randomly decided to set up a Zombie obstacle course for no reason!”
Luke, you and those random stoner teenagers wandering around Witch Manor, are idiots! Because while you’re busy admiring the nice little prosthetic Zombie arms… this bitch his getting Voodoo with it:
“Lavitate Los Manos”
Ah yes, traditional Voodoo levitation spells work like a charm, don’t they? This actually reminded me of a hilarious clip from American Dad that I had to include… Steve thinks he’s going to Hogwart’s but reallllly, well just watch the clip if you want a good laugh:
That makes me laugh every time! Anyways… so while the Voodoo Lady is all chillin’ in the air, she decides now would be a great time to wake up her evil minions of the dead… and Angela Bassett, as Marie Laveau, continues to look BAD ASS to the EXTREME:
Angela Bassett’s audition tape for X-Men’s Storm
Then it BEGINS! And with that, the zombie’s awaken from their slumber and start by instantly murdering the stoner teens which we ALL saw coming. But it was Luke that I was most concerned about because I know we haven’t seen the last of the Ramsey’s yet! So as the Zombies are eating the stoner teen’s entrails, Luke realizes that these zombies are the real deal and decides to get outta dodge, but not before he gets a ho in the back! Hahaha… what a ho!
Meanwhile, Zoe is trying to prevent everyone from leaving the house with no success, Maid LaLaurie wants to go visit her zombie daughters outside and Nan has now headed outside into the zombie obstacle course to try and save her crush Luke. If one thing is true, some of these characters do, at least, act as stupid as some of the characters we have seen in American horror movies over the years! And running INTO a front lawn of walking undead is as stupid as they come! But at least there is Zoe, the only smart one who is FORCED into the situation of having to save Nan and Luke!
But before we get to that… Madame LaLaurie decides to let one of her undead daughters into the fucking manor! Are you mentally challenged woman?! Cus these are the results of your actions:
“Mommy’s little girl is all grown up… and undead”
Still following? Told ya there was lots going on. So Voodoo Zombie starts wandering upstairs after Spaulding puts Queenie to bed and knocks his freaky ass out with a candlestick on the way there. This startles
Preci ous Queenie, who currently holds the world record for world’s largest arms, and she starts going all human voodoo doll on the zombie and literally stabs herself in the arm and slits her own neck…
“Ya, I still got a bit of dirt in there from the whole lying 6 feet under for 140 years thing”
…yup, you definitely just read that correctly! So crazy Voodoo Zombie finally ends up meeting her demise, but it’s her own mother, Madame LaLaurie that finishes the job… with a fire poker:
“Sorry about the whole torturing thing…”
BAM! Zombie is dead. So not sure what exactly happened to LaLaurie or how she was somehow able to avoid that zombie chokeslam, but either way she survived and saved Queenie’s ass… and that is A LOT of ass to save!
Meanwhile outside, Nan and Luke are still being attacked by the undead and Zoe had been backed into a corner and was being chased by a swarm of undead. Luckily for Zoe though, the gardener has a pretty good budget at the manor and Zoe uses this to her advantage:
Zoe ‘Ash Williams’ Benson to the rescue
The New Orleans Chainsaw Massacre! YIKES! But that’s not even all of it… while Nan and Luke are getting away finally, Zoe’s new weapon runs out of gas so she uses the next best thing… a spell that somehow puts the Voodoo Lady on her ass and the zombie with her! Pretty convenient… and powerful:
“High School is NOTHING like Sabrina the Teenage Witch!!!”
Looks like Zoe is a lot more powerful than we all thought! So all and all, it was a successful Halloween-themed World War Z with the only casualties being those stupid Stoner kids! Let’s just say it could have been A LOT worse! And please AHS, no more zombies… I’m sooo over it (look no further than the trainwreck that is The Walking Dead Season 4).
I’ll Be Your Mother Until You Die
Also following from last week, after Delia had acid thrown in her face, we hear screaming from the bathroom and Fiona finds her daughter… and ya, she’s not doing too good:
“Am I laughing or crying?”
Delia is taken to the hospital after the acid bath and the results are not good as she will not be getting her eyesight back! Also, did anyone else notice how SKETCHY AS FUCK that hospital was!? Like really, every light in that place was flicking on and off… and the staff are all like “No biggie!” Not to mention that old crazy dude in the diaper! Um… wtf AHS, this isn’t Briarcliff Hospital!?!?!? I guess it’s true that Fiona was high as fuck on some non-prescript drugs, but still… everything about that hospital was creepy for no good reason except the fact that this is AHS!
Welcome to Briarcliff Hospital– The Sketchiest Hospital on Earth
So Fiona’s wandering through these sketchy as fuck hospital hallways and comes across a mother who just gave birth to a stillborn baby… but no big deal, since of course Fiona can easily bring the baby back to life! If these Witches have the ability to bring the dead back to life than why in the fuck can’t Fiona simply heal her daughter’s vision? I mean, she’s wandering around the hospital, bringing dead babies back to life like it’s no one’s business… so I really, really hope we get some sort of explanation about this!
And Fiona is an interesting one to say the least. On the one hand, she is clearly a villain (or supposed to be?) as she’s already committed a couple of pretty violent murders (Anna Lee and Madison) with more viciousness to come! On the other hand, she’s at her daughter’s side in the hospital and ends up bringing a new born back to life for no apparent reason except to be nice? She is definitely a hard one to figure out and, with no real villain on this show, I’m cheering for everybody! And oddly enough, this WORKS!
But what really struck me from this particular scene was the fact that Fiona had asked the mom to say she would be the baby’s mother until she died… maybe some foreshadowing for what is to come with Fiona and Delia. Obviously Fiona has been a bad mother in the past and I feel as though this whole scene has a lot more meaning, especially considering it was the only break from all the ACTION!
And before I forget, some other stuff happened with Hank (Delia’s serial killer husband). He got into a bitch fight with Fiona about who actually cares about Delia… meh, whatever. We all know how this is gonna go down anyways– with Hank dying in some gruesome way. But more importantly, we see that Delia is in fact a clairvoyant and was somehow able to listen to her husband’s thoughts… you know, the ones about how he had sex with some chick whom he then proceeded to murder! I get the feeling Delia is not going to take to kindly to cheating murdering husband’s… so hopefully she gets rid of Hank and soon– the quicker, the better!
Stuck In The Middle With Myrtle
After the events of World War Z, Fiona signs off on Nan taking care of Luke to heal from his ‘ho wound’ (why does that make me laugh every time!?) and praises Zoe for saving the day… let the speculation start about the Supreme again! It appears to be Zoe after she obliterated the Voodoo Zombies earlier but I still have a sneaking suspicion that Zoe is too obvious a choice!
After burning the remaining undead, the Witch’s Council returns only this time they’re coming after Fiona in full force because Myrtle Snow just can’t let things go. So they have charged her with gross neglect, malfeasance and willful disregard for the well being of the Coven! And I kinda see why… after all, the school was attacked by voodoo zombies, Delia was attacked by acid and Madison is…. well… let’s just say she’s hanging out on a limb…
“Needs a little elbow grease.”
Spaulding… I think you may have pulled on her arm just a little too hard. No idea what this scene even meant but it was fucking hilarious watching Spaulding, in his night gown and cap, pull off Madison’s arm as the music comes to a screeching halt! Classic!
So as you can see… Fiona ain’t runnin shit up to management standards! The council decides to abdicate her from the Coven which doesn’t end up going too well for our friend Ms. Snow. And it was a shocker! Fiona basically accuses Myrtle of throwing acid in her daughter’s face!
But wait… there’s no evidence you say? Oh, there is plenty of evidence that Fiona somehow pulls out of her ass. Clever little Witch! So off come the gloves… literally, and it’s revealed that Myrtle has spilled some acid on her own hand:
AHS’ version of the OJ Simpson trial: “If the glove fit… you must burn the witch!”
And she was in New Orleans well before the Council arrived… yup, she has a bit of a stalker problem and, luckily for Fiona, she decided to take pictures of Myrtle’s bad habits prior to their second arrival and show the Council! And just like last night’s Survivor: Blood vs. Water, Myrtle was blindsided but unforunately for her, there is no Redemption Island in AHS… only good ole’ fashioned witch burnings! The Council has no choice but to BURN THE WITCH!
Right Place, Wrong Time
Every now and then, television or a particular movie does something so epic and so original that it instantly becomes classic! Case in point… the movie Reservoir Dogs! Anybody that has heard the song “Stuck In The Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel knows exactly what I’m talking about. For those interested, check out that now infamous scene from Reservoir Dogs below:
And last night, AHS totally went all Reservoir Dogs on us. As soon as the blindside was complete and Myrtle was ousted from the Council… the beat from Dr. John’s classic ‘Right Place, Wrong Time’ started to play as Myrtle says ‘Go ahead… burn me!’ I nearly fell off my fucken couch in excitement! I know I keep mentioning Angela Bassett (Marie Laveau) and her stellar performance this season as the Voodoo Queen, but Frances Conroy has completely KILLED in her role as Myrtle Snow!
Now I couldn’t find a copy of this scene as it only aired last night, but just remember that Right Place, Wrong Time was playing in the background throughout… it was really a joy to see! Check out some screen caps and, if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a massive favor and go watch this NOW:
As Dr. John starts playing, they lead Myrtle out to some gravel pit… the Witches are all dressed in black except Myrtle:
A little cloudy with a chance of Witch Burning!
Of course, they bring the whole crew along because it’s a Witch Tradition… all students must be present for Witch burnings. No exceptions:
“So glad we didn’t cut class today!!!”
Myrtle is led to her pyre and she is dressed for the occasion:
“Right place, wrong time… you got that right!”
And can’t forget the creepy bodyguard type dudes that look like they literally came from Reservoir Dogs! Oddly enough, I want to know what this guys deal is based on appearance alone:
Next season on AHS: This guys backstory!
BOTH of them:
“Assume the position”
Another cool part about this whole scene was that they kept going back and forth between the various characters… it was rather quick because they were doing it to the beat of the song, but it worked SO SOOOO WELL! This particular shot of Fiona Goode dressed in her Witch gear was just straight-up BAD ASS:
“We ain’t playing Survivor, honey!”
And just like Reservoir Dogs, someone gets covered in gasoline while a classic hit from the 70’s plays in the background. This will never ever get old… just saying:
“I hope someone drops a house on you!”
And the song ends with this lovely shot of Fiona’s cigarette with Myrtle all tied up and drenched in gasoline in the background:
“Smoking ain’t cool? I beg to differ.”
And for the grand finale, let the fireworks begin!!! Myrtle Snow has met her end…
…or has she? Needless to say, this was easily my favorite scene in American Horror Story history! Even if it just aired, there was nothing even close, in my opinion, that tops this scene… it was THAT good! And yup, the episode ain’t even over yet!!!
Finally I got to see a Witch burning on this show and it lived up to all the hype! But the aftermath of this burning is really going to set things off in a different direction for the remaining 8 episodes.
We head back to Witch Manor and find Fiona popping some pills when Queenie comes to her door. She is feeling a little bit guilty over the good ole fashioned witch burning we all just witnessed. And as it turns out, the acid burns on Myrtle’s hands were not from throwing acid at Delia, but rather from Queenie doing her voodoo doll thing on Ms. Snow! Didn’t see that one coming:
Looks like Myrtle may not have been so guilty as we had first thought! And Fiona is getting a lil’ bit smarter with her students. Rather than MURDERING Queenie like she did the last two women that crossed her path (see Madison and Anna Lee), Fiona instead manipulates Queenie by complimenting her abilities and telling her what great powers she has! So naive Queenie.
Meanwhile, back at the site of our Witch burning…
Stevie Nicks Misty Day is randomly walking through this gravel pit, since that’s what hippy witches do, when she stumbles upon some coyotes… who are having a snack:
“Tastes a little burnt…”
She chases them away and decides that Peace and Love are much better than Death and Decay and starts casting her resurrection spell… she may have leveled up in the process:
“Lavate Los Manos”
And the episode leaves us all hanging from a noose with this lovely image:
Looks like Myrtle is not dead after all! And I think the show is way way way better with Frances Conroy in it! So with fate bringing Misty and Myrtle together, I’m very very curious to see how they are going to react to this incident (and Fiona more specifically).
Also, don’t forget there is still a big war brewing with the Voodoo people… and what in the fuck happened to FrankenKyle? As much as I hate that story, the guy was last seen vanishing on Halloween so WTF! It can’t be the last we’ve seen of him, that’s for sure. Please though AHS… I’d like to see more Voodoo Queen, more Voodoo backstory and definitely more Lily Rabe and Frances Conroy… but please, much MUCH less Hank (if you asked yourself who the fuck is Hank, my point is proven)!
Episode Score: 10. Perfect Score! Simple as this: there was an actual WITCH BURNING to Dr. John’s ‘Right Place, Wrong Time‘ that already has cult classic written all over it! Not to mention that ending with Misty! ♥♥♥ Lily Rabe ♥♥♥
For those that want to see a preview of next week’s episode titled ‘The Axeman Cometh”, it’s posted below! It looks like this is going to be another one of those bizarre episodes that is going to use a real life historical figure in the show. This time though, the character is going to be based on the infamous ‘Axeman of New Orleans’! This is why this show is so amazing, original and crazy… it can take a fairly obscure historical event or character and make it new and fresh again! I’ve already done a little Wikipedia creeping on our Axeman friend and needless to say, the story sounds pretty freakin’ messed up! Enjoy: