Whose The Baddest Witch In Town?
“I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little Minotaur too!”
My favorite day of the year… Halloween! And I have officially added one more reason to love this time of the year because American Horror Story always seems to go all out for their Halloween episodes and last nights ‘Fearful Pranks Ensue’ was no exception. AHS always does a 2-part episode for Halloween so last night’s cliffhanger ending should have shocked nobody! Both Season 1 and Season 2 used this same set-up so I expected nothing less from this season and so far, Part 1 did not disappoint.
And just because I love the Simpsons so much and its Halloween today, I’ll post one of my all-time favorite clips from The Simpsons… of course, it involves witches! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
You Dun’ Messed With The Wrong Witch
1961 New Orleans. A time that was filled with racial tension, clearly. The episode starts off with a young, black boy riding his bike and he would eventually be chased and meet his untimely death at the hands of some white supremacist idiots. We find out that the boy’s mother had enrolled her son in an integrated high school in order to give their son the best opportunity– she chose poorly.
That being said though, the men who ended up murdering the boy also chose poorly as the child’s mother just so happens to be good friends and co-workers with the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans, Ms. Marie Laveau. So, for some reason the mother is all chillin at the crime scene because apparently they allowed that sort of thing back in the 60’s:
Appropriate ID Procedures for 1961: Take victim’s mother directly to crime scene to identify body
And since the crime scene is also open to any member of the public, Ms. Laveau decides to make the trip as well. And boy, does she look pissed:
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
As we fade out, the Voodoo music starts to play. The enchanting, hypnotic humming begins to play in the background and we all know some crazy Voodoo shit is about to go down! And Laveau does not disappoint. She has a bunch of snakes, one of which she cuts open and bleeds out which leads to some cabinet drawers opening on their own. Inside the drawers are garments, jewelry and what looked like hair and I can only assume that this stuff belongs to the dead!
So all this Voodoo Ritual stuff is apparently making our Voodoo Queen thirsty, so she completes her little Witch Doctor Potion and chugs it:
New Orleans Version of the Flaming Homer– NOMS!
Oh, did I mention the potion was ON FIRE! Naturally, drinking a fire potion made up of snake blood and dead people collectibles, it can only lead to one result:
FrankenKyle’s New Friend?
That’s right… undead voodoo zombies coming back to life! And they are none too happy about that lynch mob killing the Voodoo Queen’s friend’s son! So the Voodoo Zombies decide to head straight over to the ole barn to pay them a little visit. Said visit leading to the murder of every single one of them… and this guy in particular really got it bad:
“If you murder little black boys connected to Voodoo queens… you’re gonna to have a bad time!”
The moral of the story: do not fuck with Ms. Laveau or anyone she is close with. Laveau is easily my favorite so far on this show. Even though she has done some pretty grizzly things, she is still only reacting to certain events and I think we can all agree that those clowns got what they deserved. But more importantly, it also sets up the end of the episode perfectly. We already know that Fiona and Laveau have bad blood so this opening scene illustrates just how far Laveau will go to get her revenge. MWHAHAHAHA!
The Truce Is Broken
Back in present time, all hell has officially broken loose at the Witch Academy. Just after Fiona murders Madison (and more on the whole Spalding story later), she heads to Delia’s conservatory and finds this:
“That’s a huge bitch!”
Every time I see Queenie on the screen (you really can’t miss her), I think of that great line from Deuce Bigalow, hilarious clip below:
But before Queenie can explain to Fiona what in the hell happened, our good friend Mr. Minotaur shows up from behind! We don’t really know what happens with Fiona and the Minotaur, but we do know that Fiona won the battle. So she heads up to wake up Delia and the two start bitchin’ about who dun messed with the wrong witch (aka the Voodoo Queen). But Queenie is still dying and apparently Delia is not strong enough to save her, so Fiona does what any good witch would do and gives Queenie a blowjob! :
“This is going to take A LOT of blowing.”
Not sure how this works, but apparently Fiona sucked some life back into Queenie who begins to breathe (heavily) again. Then, Fiona has a nice chat with LaLaurie… she already knows all about the immortality potion, the minotaur and Bastien and everything else. More importantly, she informs LaLaurie that the Minotaur will not be coming back! So obviously Fiona ended up killing the creature in the Conservatory with the Candlestick? Nope. Lead Pipe? Nope. Ah, must have been the Knife!
This is instantly confirmed when we see the Voodoo Queen open up a package at her hair salon. Somebody has been watching the movie 7even:
“Now whose going to be the HEAD of my Labyrinth?”
Looks like the Minotaur’s Labyrinth will be under new management! So if that really was Bastien, he obviously can’t live forever… so does this mean the Laveau could face similar consequences? Maybe decapitation is one of the only ways to end an immortality potion? Who knows with this show… all I know is that we’re making some HEADway here 🙂
Back at Witch School, Fiona’s having a chat with her new maid LaLaurie, she decides to put on her witch’s hat and decides that she is gonna ‘let the whole world in and get a good look at her’. Why do I get the feeling that she has chosen poorly here…
Because back at the ole Salon, the Voodoo Queen has lost her shit over the death of her old pet Bastien. With the delivery of the Minotaur’s head, the truce has been broken– and as we saw earlier in 1961– you don’t want to fuck wit the wrong Witch!
The Council on Witchcraft
While Delia is treating Queenie’s wounds, the best news of the season arrives with the introduction of the Council of Witches (or C.O.W. for short, LOL)– kind of a weird mix of Harry Potter’s Hogwarts and True Blood’s Authority:
Law & Order: C.O.W.
Quite the cast of characters– this is what I love about this show. So random– these guys come out of no where and arrive in a BIG way. Especially my personal favorite, Myrtle Snow, played by Frances Conroy– might as well just hand her an Emmy already because her performance in this episode was AWESOME!
So Delia thinks the C.O.W. have arrived over the Queenie vs. Minotaur incident which is clearly not the case. And Delia continues to spill the beans, now thinking it was her visit to the ole Witch Doctor Salon. Just shut up already Delia! Needless to say, the Council is not too happy about any of this… but it’s still not the reason they’re there.
In a bit of a twist, Nan can no longer hear Madison’s thoughts and believes that Madison has died so she was actually the one who summoned the council!!! CRAZY NAN!
“I like to stir the pot”
Why do I have this weird feeling that Nan is going to turn out to be the Supreme?! Anything’s possible on this show after all. And there are rules… a witch can’t just murder another witch without consequences– they have to be burned at the stake for their crimes!!! Look out Fiona!
But wait, that’s not all. We go into full INVESTIGATION mode as the C.O.W. tries to get to the bottom of Madison’s disappearance.
From left to right: Quentin, Myrtle Snow and Pembrook
So the C.O.W. start to question everyone at the Academy about Madison. I think
Precious Queenie sums it up best when she says “Madison is a stone cold bitch who likes hard drinking, big dicks and trouble! If she’s dead it’s prolly because she got wasted and gave the grim reaper a hand job or something!” YOU JUST GOT PWNED MADISON!
Black Cat Got Your Tongue
Then, things get VERY interesting. Fiona and Myrtle have history! And Myrtle tells us a nice little story from 1971. We find a young Fiona in front the 1971 version of the C.O.W. after the previous Supreme Anna-Lee’s murder. Fiona ends up replacing Anna Lee as the new Supreme. Of course, young Myrtle doesn’t take kindly to some bitch murdering the Supreme:
A new spell to cast on EVERY POLITICIAN EVER!!!
So due to her suspicions about Spalding, who appears to have a raging hard-on for Fiona, Myrtle informs us at the dinner table that she has enchanted Spalding’s tongue so that he cannot tell a lie with the Council calling him for questioning the following the morning. The only problem with this plan was Myrtle couldn’t keep her mouth shut at the dinner table and Spalding overheard everything– you chose poorly Myrtle!
With Myrtle spilling the beans and Fiona apparently overhearing, all hell breaks loose at the Academy… AGAIN! Are they ever going to get their shit together at this school or is this Briarcliff all over again:
Improper Tongue Removal
This scene, of course, instantly reminded me of this:
Proper Tongue Removal
EVIL DEAD TONGUE REMOVAL! So gross! But still, clearly a better job than the mess Spalding made. We, the viewers, are left to assume that Fiona was the one that cut out Spalding’s tongue. But, as it turns out, this is not the case because Spalding is one of the most fucked up individuals we have met on this series! First, he decides to have an elaborate mad tea party with a bunch of dolls:
And this wouldn’t be American Horror Story if Spalding didn’t put on his best outfit for the occasion:
“My favorite jammies!”
Now just add Madison’s dead body and we got a show:
“This dress will go great with your pale white skin!”
So there you have it folks– Spalding is fucked up! I can safely say that I haven’t a clue where they are going with this story! But at the very least it was revealed that Spalding is Fiona’s ‘pet’ in a way and he actually removed his OWN FREAKING TONGUE so Myrtle’s truth telling enchantment would never work! Quite the twist!
And to top it all off, they ask Spalding to write down the name of the person who killed Anna-Lee! Its the final three on ‘Survivor: Witchcraft vs. Voodoo’ and Spalding has immunity! Holy shit, whose name is he going to write down:
“Myrtle, the tribe has spoken!”
In quite the Survivor blindside, Spalding writes down Myrtle’s name and she’s carted off to the jury… wait, wrong show! But writing Myrtle’s name is significant because it further hides the truth from the Council and buys Fiona some time in figuring out what to do about Madison’s death. Myrtle throws a hissy fit about getting voted out by Spalding and accuses Fiona of killing both Anna-Lee and Madison!
Delia steps in though and shuts Myrtle up for a moment, basically telling her that Madison was not the Supreme as she was not in good health! I KNEW IT! So, someone else IS in fact the new Supreme but WHO!!!??? Could it be Nan? Zoe? Misty Day!? File this under AWESOME!
Trick or Smash?
Before I get to the ending, let’s just quickly get this out of the way! Zoe and FrankenKyle had a heart-to-heart and FrankenKyle decided that he really, really, reallllllly wanted to go Trick or Treating. Besides, he was already dressed up anyways with his dead mom’s blood all over his face and clothes! Does anyone else really care about this story… I don’t. Although it is pretty hilarious that Zoe let her Zombie boyfriend out on the loose by accident on HALLOWEEN! And did I mention that FrankenKyle is probably going to prefer Trick or Smash over the traditional Halloween door-to-door tagline. Zoe… you chose poorly.
That said, I am very curious to see what is going to happen with FrankenKyle… I find it hilarious that this guy is gonna be walking around on Halloween and no one will know the difference… that is, until he decides to SMASH! Maybe he’ll be the one who saves the rest of the Witches from their zombie apocalypse problems!
Also, what was with that scene with Delia’s husband (does he even have a name yet, I think they called him Hank so let’s run with that) and his mistress (played by Alexandra Breckenbridge– you might remember her as the young version of the red-headed maid, Moira, from Season 1). Not much to say here other than the fact that Hank has alluded to the fact that he’s a ‘monster’ and randomly shoots poor Alexandra:
No one is safe from American Horror Story’s crazy story lines
Little does this dude know that his wife Delia is a witch and daughter to Fiona… Yikes. And Fiona thinks Hank reeks of bullshit. This will only end badly for this guy I’m sure, so even though I have no clue where they’re going with this story, I’m pretty sure Hank is going to get his comeupins! I mean, you’re fucking with a SCHOOL OF WITCHES, I hope for your sake you are an ACTUAL monster and that’s not just some lame metaphor! Otherwise, its safe to say that Hank chose poorly (just like whoever decided to include this in the story).
What Does The Voodoo Zombie Say?
Flash forward to Fiona and Delia in the bar having some drinks. Delia gets ‘white girl wasted’ and heads to the bathroom to puke… but on her way out, she is surprised by a stranger dressed in a black cloak who literally throws some sort of clear liquid into Delia’s face! Um, wtf just happened!!!!!
Introducing… Acid Facials!
Not sure who the cloaked figure was– could it have been one of the Voodoo people (highly unlikely since they were busy conjuring up some voodoo zombies)? Or maybe it was Myrtle Snow? Or, hell, maybe even Fiona set this up? Who knows with this show, but it was totally unpredictable! I can only wonder whether she was hit with some sort of acid or just good ole fashioned water… either way I’m expecting a melted face next week!
Back at Voodoo Camp, Laveau is doing her usual necromancy dance and summoning the dead. This time though, it’s the Witches that should be worried because the Voodoo Zombies are heading directly to their Academy. Like seriously… zombies, witches, voodoo… all in one hour! And to finish things off, LaLaurie answers a knock at the door only to find that her 3 daughters are back from their 140 year nap:
And in straight-up Walking Dead fashion, the entire Academy is under attack by an army of deranged Voodoo Zombies and we fade to black! Talk about leaving us hanging! So hopefully, next week will pick right back up where we left off and I have no doubt in my mind that it will! A great episode all around!
Zombies vs. Witches = This Show is FUCKEDDDD!
Episode Score: 8.5 (points were subtracted because of Delia’s husband and FrankenKyle… two stories that need to disappear from this series!)
For those that want to see a preview of next week’s episode titled ‘Burn, Witch. Burn!”, it’s posted below! Looks like things are going to get a little bit FIERY in New Orleans- and I’m not referring to all of the red-heads on this show. Enjoy!