American Horror Story (Season 3 Premiere): ‘Bitchcraft’ Review

A Good Ole Fashioned Witch Burning

“There’s going to be a whole lot of Witches and Bitches this season!!!”

American Horror Story is BACK! And it brought a whole bunch of WITCHES, BITCHES and VOODOO with it! 🙂 I loved the first two seasons but I must say that, after watching the premiere episode of Coven, I think this season is going to be the best yet!

New Orleans makes for a perfect setting! Not only that, the witches are in New Orleans for a reason, more on that later, and it looks like we might be seeing some Voodoo vs. Witchcraft for Season 3! I’m totally on board… and if this season keeps up the pace set by the premiere episode, then we are in for some tricks and some treats!

Now, my review… and also, check out the song below… awesome remake of a CLASSIC:

1834 New Orleans

Our story begins in the Big Easy and the writers go wayyy back in time, all the way back to 1834 where we are first introduced to Madame LaLaurie (played by Kathy Bates). Needless to say, it didn’t take long for the crazy to kick in…

“Nothing like fresh blood to make my skin feel young again!!!”

…with Madame LaLaurie painting her face with some kind of blood… human maybe? I think its suppose to be keeping her “young” or something as she mentions that her skin is supposed to be tight as a drum and that the blood isn’t fresh!!! Hmmm… that is fucked. But wait, there’s more! LaLaurie then goes fucking bat shit crazy on one of her daughters for sleeping with a black man, Bastien (those 1834 folk… so racist)! So LaLaurie beats the shit out of her daughter for apparently messing around with Bastien and decides they are going to frame the shit out of him… but not only that, they are keeping him in a dungeon where they have apparently stuffed some other dudes mouth with poop and sewn it shut… GROSS! Oh and they also turned Bastien into…


…a FUCKING MINOTAUR! HOLY SHIT! So, for some reason, Madame LaLaurie decides that she really wants a mythological creature and turns this dude into one! This show…

Witch School or Bitch School?

So from Minotaur’s to Witch Academy… yep, this season is already fucked up and were only about 10 minutes in! The young witches are going to be super fun to watch this season though, I can already tell! So we first meet Zoe (formerly known as Violet) and she is on her way to New Orleans for accidentally giving some guy a brain aneurysm during sex! This story sounds awfully familiar…. Rogue from X-men anyone? X-men aside, its still pretty cool that the four young witches enrolled at Ms. Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies come with their own unique powers!

So while on her way to Witch Academy, Zoe explains to us that the witches from Salem from way back in the day were much too clever to be caught and burned and ended up traveling to New Orleans to escape the witch burnings. New Orleans is the new Salem! And off to boarding school for Zoe. By the way, the music was just unbelievably awesome and I’m totally loving the New Orleans vibe!

We’re also introduced to Myrtle Snow, played by Frances Conroy, and she didn’t disappoint! I’m not sure what her role is going to be this season… but we do know that she was the one that took Zoe to the Witch Academy!

“This ain’t no Hogwart’s, honey!” 

AHHH! She looks so cool! Love it! So Zoe arrives and gets jumped by a bunch of masked, hooded figures but clearly its just the other students/residents of the academy down for their traditional witch hazing– think Sabrina the Teenage Witch: The College Years! They seem to have an interesting chemistry and I actually love the casting of the students… they all seem to be very unique and have their own interesting back stories:

“Witches are the new X-men”

Meet, from left to right, Queenie, Madison and Nan! Oh and they also have super cool powers as well. Nan is a clairvoyant and can apparently read people’s thoughts. Madison the movie star has the power of telekinesis which she shows off in a pretty f’d up way! And Queenie is a walking, human voodoo doll! Cool stuff.

We also get to meet Cordelia Foxx (Delia) played by Sarah Paulson. She explains a lot of the history of the Academy and talks about ‘The Supreme’… a witch who embodies many gifts! So I imagine this to mean that someone out there is going to have a TON of powers and, based on this history lesson, we can only assume that this individual will be The Supreme. Also, witches are an endangered species… there is not a lot of them left in other words! But at least Delia is still around:

Lana Banana is BACK in Witch form!

So Delia is one of the teachers at the Academy and helps the young’ns to control their powers. Delia explains that a lot of younger women were not as lucky to have found the Academy… and we get our first look at Lily Rabe!

Misty Day

Misty Day (played by Lily Rabe) is a great example of why the witches need to be very careful with their powers. Misty Day had the gift of resurgence… in other words, she could bring dead things back to life. So she brings a bird back to life… and of course, the townpeople don’t take too kindly to resurrections and necromancy. And they decide that they are going to literally have a good ole fashioned witch burning….

“I’m not meltinggggg…. jokes on you!”

…buh bye Lily Rabe? Um… what? That can’t be. Misty, however, does have the ability to bring things back to life so I can only assume we have not seen the last of her! My guess is that Misty resurrects herself and comes back for revenge! There is no way in hell they are killing off Lily Rabe in the first episode… not happening. She’ll be back, I just don’t know when or how!

The Head Bitch

Jessica Lange back on television is always a GOOD thing, especially when it comes to American Horror Story. She plays Fiona, a witch who appears to be obsessed with her looks. And she is PISSED off when her doctor’s drugs aren’t working after 5 days! Apparently, the drugs were supposed to make her look younger but they weren’t working. So, while rocking out to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, Fiona decides that the doctor could lose a few years….

From the makers of Lifesavers… introducing new ‘LIFESUCKERS’

…so she literally sucks the soul right out of him and instantly looks younger… but it only lasts briefly. Awesome scene, especially with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida playing in the background! Also, did anyone else notice that Fiona clearly has more than one power! She was using telekinesis to throw this doctor around… but she also sucked the life out of him. Maybe I’m over analyzing here, but I’m starting to think that Fiona is the Supreme Witch… just a theory for now. I think the ultimate question is why did Fiona’s soul sucking ability only leave her looking younger for such a short period of time!?

Season of the Witch

Meanwhile, back at Witch Academy, the four young witches are having dinner and get to show off their abilities for us! Nan is shown reading Madison’s mind during dinner and we also get to see Movie Star Madison’s back story. Apparently, Madison didn’t appreciate some of the suggestions the director was making re: lighting, so she decides to do what any normal witch would do in this situation and…

“We should probably stop using that ole ‘Lights, Camera, Action’ line…”

…drops a light on the guy’s head, completely f’ing this guy up. Check out this clip from South Park because this was the first thing I thought of when I watched this scene… epic Butters LOL:

The girls start arguing about the whole lighting incident which leads to Queenie and Madison getting into a witch/bitch fight. Queenie’s power is by far the coolest… she can basically use her own body as a voodoo doll without doing any harm to herself in the process! So she stabs herself in the hand with a fork…

“No, I’m not trying to eat myself!”

 …but only does damage to Madison…

“Witchcraft is sooo last year…”

So the girls separate after their cat fight… and we head over to see what Fiona and her daughter Cordelia are up too. We first learn that Fiona is, in fact, Delia’s mother and she also appears to be the Supreme Witch! There was also some animosity between the two and its gonna be great watching Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson on screen together all season 🙂

Also, did anyone else think the lab they were in was pretty awesome looking? I felt like I was doing some Alchemy in Skyrim or something along the lines of making potions in an RPG game!

Mrs. White with the Witch Poison in the Conservatory

Frat Party Fuck-Up

So with the girls having their typical teenage fight, Fiona and Madison head off to a frat party and we meet Kyle the Frat Boy King played by Evan Peters. Of course, just like Lily Rabe, his on-screen time appears to have been cut extremely short on this season of AHS!

But first, Madison gets drugged and raped by some idiot frat boy. Zoe and Kyle the Frat Boy King do some bonding and they eventually find Madison being raped. So, Kyle loses his shit on his frat boy buddy and all hell breaks loose. Kyle gets knocked out on the frat bus, the boys take off…. and they don’t get very far.

“No big deal… I’ll just fuck them up with the flick of my wrist”

WTF! That just happened! So the bus explodes and 7 of the 9 frat boy idiots are dead. Yikes. These witches don’t fuck around… and I don’t blame them. Love Madison already!

Fiona comes in and says it best– “the world’s not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy T-Shirts”…. and she also reveals that its no easy feat to flip a bus using their powers and throws Madison into a wall using her own bad ass powers! Fiona doesn’t fuck around… she knows that it would not be good if the public got word that there are witches lurking around in town! So time to teach these young bitches a lesson!

Zoe, however, ignores all of this and goes to the hospital anyways to get revenge for Kyle. So she takes out the frat boy who was responsible for raping Madison who is somehow still alive. And this wouldn’t be American Horror Story if she didn’t use her Rogue-like power to kill the frat kid:

“You just got ROGUE’D dude!”

Not sure where the writers are going with this, but they certainly have my attention! Plus, once again, I highly doubt this is the last we have seen of Kyle (played by Evan Peters). He died in the bus wreck but I get the feeling he is going to be brought back to life somehow.

And hell, this wasn’t even the best story of the episode… for that, we have to go back to the 1800’s!

Voodoo Hoodoo

Fiona takes the girls to Madame LaLaurie’s residence for a little field trip and a lot is revealed about LaLaurie’s so-called “Chamber of Horrors”. For one, she apparently used human pancreas as one of her main ingredients for her “stay young and beautiful forever” poultice:

“Pancreas anyone? NOM NOM NOM”

Pretty sick stuff. But the story gets super interesting when Marie Laveau shows up with a love potion for Madame LaLaurie in a flashback to the 1800’s. So LaLaurie decides to drink up Ms. Laveau’s love potion No. 9 and the results are… not good:

On second thought… prolly should have done a background check”

Maybe not such a good idea to drink a random potion from a random stranger. Especially when this stranger happens to be the lover of our good friend Bastien the Minotaur. WOW! Talk about a crazy twist. I love how this show incorporates historical figures (Anne Frank in Asylum, The Black Dahlia in Season 1) and both LaLaurie and Laveau are going to be super interesting and super creepy as this show continues.

But of course, the big shocker came at the end when Fiona ends up digging up LaLaurie…

“I really need to pee.”

…who is somehow still alive and well after all those years. So the flashback to 1834 has come together with the present time and I, for one, can’t wait until next week’s episode! Hopefully we will get some kind of explanation as to how LaLaurie is still alive and what Fiona wants with her.

I give the premiere episode of AHS: Coven a big ole dirty 9.5! I loved the story, loved the music, loved the visuals and loved the unpredictability and originality of the story! Can’t wait for next week’s episode titled ‘Boy Parts‘.

Things are finally back to normal for me, and I’ll have tonight’s episode review up tomorrow (Thursday). I was away last week for Canadian Thanksgiving, so didn’t get a chance to get this up until now! That said, I’ll leave a hilarious clip from Family Guy since I’m Canadian… this is definitely fitting! Enjoy!

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