“I’m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all the questions.”
American Horror Story has officially amped up the WTF! Last night’s episode, titled ‘The Replacements‘ had a whole lot of… well, fucked up shit going on. Let’s see… Sex with a Minotaur– Check! Double murders past and present– Check! A mother raping her now Frankenstein-like son– Check! Sperm bubbling in a jar for some really bizarre fertility ritual– Check! Did I seriously just write that? Really? Three Words… Bat. Shit. Crazy.
For me though, this episode wasn’t as good as the first two. I don’t really like where they are going with this Kyle Frankenstein monster story– it’s boring and honestly, I’m not sure how this is going to mesh into the Witch story even if Zoe is involved. And, I kinda predicted the ending of the episode as well, so to me it was slightly predictable. Does anyone else not really like Fiona that much? She is too much like Sister Jude from Asylum and I’m not feeling her character that much– at least not yet!
This episode had a lot going on but it was all leading up to the murder at the end of the episode which will now make for an interesting story going forward!
Black Cat Fight
The Replacements kicks off with Fiona having a drink and reminiscing about the good ole days and we flash back to 1971 New Orleans where we find a young Fiona hanging out with an older, blonder Witch named Anna Lee at the Academy. We also learn some very interesting things about how the whole ‘Supreme’ thing works.
Apparently, Anna Lee was the Supreme Witch back in the 70′s and she explains to us that it’s not rare for a talented witch to manifest 4 or 5 gifts when she starts to flower– but, and I feel like this is important– it doesn’t make you a Supreme! Fiona thinks she is ready to ‘replace’ Anna Lee. Fiona says it best… when a new Supreme begins to flower, the Old Supreme begins to fade. Ouch!
Anna Lee appears to be getting weaker and Fiona obviously thinks that as she is getting strong, Anna Lee is getting weaker. Which, of course, leads to a cat fight between the two with Anna Lee bitch slapping Young Fiona in the face. Oh no you didn’t, girl! Fiona obviously doesn’t take to kindly to bitch slaps to the face:
”An immortality potion would be soooo good right about now.”
Yikes! Don’t mess with the Queen B! And of course this wouldn’t be American Horror Story without some idiot butler being in the wrong place at the wrong time:
Lurch’s Origin Story
So that creepy butler dude apparently saw Fiona kill the Supreme back in the 70′s… talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time too because Fiona decides that he can’t have his tongue anymore. I can only assume at some point we are going to see a flash back scene between Lurch (his actual name on the show is Spalding but I like Lurch better) and Fiona! This show is definitely good at telling the entire story, even if it means going back 42 years or 142 years! Keep up the good work AHS!
So back in present time, Fiona is chillin’ at the bar in a pretty cool New Orleans swing dance bar scene! This season is definitely A LOT more upbeat than the AHS Asylum days! And Fiona is simply depressed… because she is old and she is clearly at the end of her reign as Supreme Witch. Heck, even her doctor has informed her that plastic surgery won’t even save her youthful looks. Obviously this is going to be a problem for Fiona going forward since she is obsessed with looking young. This is not going to end well for someone!
Meanwhile, Zoe heads over to Fratboy Kyle’s mom’s place to see what’s up. And things don’t start off well because Kyle’s mom’s… a bitch! And because I cannot resist a good South Park clip:
Yep, that’s right! Kyle’s mom is the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! So upon Zoe’s arrival, Kyle’s mom (haha, that is never going to get old) is getting baked out of her mind! Go Hippy Mom… but, you’re still a bitch! The girls have a chat about Kyle… I yawned a couple of times… and than Kyle’s mom explains to Zoe that she was about to hang herself right before Zoe’s phone call and the call had essentially got her out of the noose. Oh but that’s not all! Because as it turns out, Kyle’s mom really is the biggest bitch in the whole wide world after all:
Mom and FrankenSon make-out Sesh… Yup, AHS went there!
Jesus H. Christ, American Horror Story… did you really have to go there? As it turns out, Kyle’s mom enjoys making out and fondling her son. Told ya she was the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! Of course, she doesn’t reveal this to Zoe cus, ya know, that would just be totally awkward!
But before Kyle and his mom make out, Zoe heads over to the cabin in the woods to hang with her new friend Stevie Nicks… I mean, Misty Day– who has a bit of an unhealthy obsession with Stevie Nicks! But… if it means more Fleetwood Mac jams on this show, I’m all for it! So Misty, keep ROCKIN’ girl! Keep healin’ too, because you did a fine ass job on our friend Kyle who looks a little less like a Frankenstein monster now that he’s had that poop paste treatment at Misty Day’s Spa for the Undead!
But ya, he still doesn’t do much except lie around and Misty doesn’t do much except day dream about Fleetwood Mac:
“I wish I could be a groupie for Fleetwood Mac!!!”
And they’re jammin to an awesome tune by Fleetwood Mac titled ‘Sara‘, check it out below! I love my classic rock so I’m quite happy with the inclusion of some of these songs in these episodes! Keep ‘em coming!
Zoe interrupts their jam sesh though and informs Misty that FrankenKyle has to get going. Misty wants them desperately to stay for dinner but Zoe isn’t hungry! As Zoe and Kyle are headin’ out the door, Misty goes all cuckoo for cocoa puffs. She tries to make him stay but Zoe is all like WTF… you crazy, girl and they leave. I feel like this was a fairly important scene as Misty says a couple of things: (1) She says that Kyle is ‘not ready’ yet and, (2) she has serious trust issues and doesn’t think Kyle or Zoe are coming back for a visit! Course that is not going to ruin Misty’s day (LOL!) and she gets right back to jammin’:
“Observe the ‘Hippy Witch’ in her natural habitat. Other behaviors include resurrecting Frat boys and rocking out to Fleetwood Mac.”
Zoe proceeds to take FrankenKyle back to his mother’s… bad idea! After Zoe leaves, Kyle’s mom turns into a bitch and starts molesting FrankenKyle… it was really creepy! Thanks for making me feel uncomfortable AHS! Luckily for all of us though, FrankenKyle is having none of it…
“I told you I’d make a trophy wife outta ya someday– KYLE SMASH NOW!”
…so he bashes his mom’s face in with a trophy! No big deal! I really have no idea where this story is going!
Zoe basically brings this guy back to life, accidentally prevents his rapist mother’s death and than FrankenKyle murders his mother with a trophy. And Zoe comes back to find a bloody FrankenKyle standing over his mother’s dead body. This storyline is beyond weird and I’m not really sure where they are going with it… maybe they are using it to get Misty involved with the Witch Academy somehow? Who knows.. but I’m starting to think it may have been better if Kyle had remained dead. His mom is still a bitch though, even in death.
The Year of the Minotaur
I thought the ritualistic sex in last week’s episode was pretty freaky but nothing could have prepared me for this week’s sex rituals… and we’ve already had to deal with Kyle’s mom! Really, AHS!?!
And I almost forgot to mention Madame LaLaurie, the crazy chick from 1834! And she is a Supreme… not Supreme Witch, but Supreme RACIST! I guess we can’t really blame her, she did live her life in the 1800′s and they were not very nice in those days! And I will admit, it was pretty funny watching her reaction to Obama on the TV and Fiona promoting her to maid!
At breakfast, Queenie and LaLaurie get in a bitch fight based completely on 1834 racial tension! Get with the times LaLaurie, it’s 2013, yo! So LaLaurie refuses to serve Queenie because she’s black but Fiona breaks up the fight and puts LaLaurie in charge of being Queenie’s personal maid! Yet another bad idea. But Fiona delivers the line of the night directed at our new maid… “There’s nothing I hate more than a racist.” Jessica Lange ♥ !!!
Meanwhile, Fiona’s daughter Delia is at the Doc trying to figure out what she can do about her fertility issues (which obviously has something to do with the history of Witches purposely not reproducing), but the Doc informs her that she is gonna need a magic wand.
With the Doc’s words in mind, Delia heads over to the ole Voodoo Lady’s place of business. I love Laveau, she has a great look to her, her place of business looks creepy as hell and Angela Bassett is doing a helluva job playing the Voodoo Lady to perfection!
♫ ”I went to the Witch Doctor and this is what she said” ♫
Delia is looking for some way to get pregnant and all of a sudden we find ourselves in the middle of some creepy as fuck Voodoo fertility ritual. So the Voodoo people have a 2 oz jar of lil’ swimmers on the fire (GROSS and definitely not providing a screen-cap of that one LOL), some super hot pepper apparently hotter than Hades, and than they proceed to do this:
“I think we’re gonna need just a litttttttle more goats’ blood”
If you guessed pour goat’s blood from a live goat all over Delia’s body than you are one sick, sick individual LOL! But that is, in fact, what happened. Luckily for all of us it was only a daydream sequence… AHS only wanted to show us the ritual, possibly to disturb our minds in every possible way.
Laveau knows too much though and just cackles in Delia’s face. She is certainly not going to help the daughter of Fiona as they are ‘sworn enemies’. Looks like Delia is shit out of luck! And looks like something big is on the horizon as she mentions Fiona is trying to start a war and that she’s messing with the wrong witch! Look out Team Witchcraft cus these Voodoo folk be CRAY CRAY!
But wait, there’s more. Back at
the X-Mansion Witch Academy, Queenie is getting fed by her new maid. That girl really needs to go on a diet, her arms look like whole chickens!!! I know that’s mean, but HOLAY! During snack prep, LaLaurie sees a creature outside and freaks right out so Queenie goes to see what’s up!
And in one of the weirdest, most FUCKED UP scenes I have ever witnessed on television, Queenie confronts the Minotaur outside, starts spouting off about being loved and proceeds to start playing with herself (and possibly with the Minotaur through her Human Voodoo Doll power) in the middle of the backyard. Ummm… W.T.F:
“Your hair smells nice.”
I don’t even want to know what is going on here!!! Regardless, the Minotaur is bluffing and ends up putting his hand over Queenie’s mouth. We’re not sure if she is killed or kidnapped at this point, but hopefully she is still alive because her power is super cool! At least AHS is good at moving the story right along so we should get more info on Queenie next week… fingers crossed!
Meet The Neighbors
This episode also featured the introduction of an interesting new character who is clearly going to be involved in a lot of conflict with the Witch Academy. Joan Ramsey (played by Patti LuPone) and her son Luke have moved in next door and they are clearly hardcore Christian’s. Probably not a good idea to move into a school of WITCHES! You might want to get a new real estate agent while you’re at it!
Nan and Madison are spying on Luke, admiring his good looks and decide to go bake a cake and welcome the new neighbors to the neighborhood! Another bad idea. Madison and Nan arrive with their cake and the girls are looking good! I really liked how this entire scene was shot with Madison looking promiscuous and Nan looking conservative. You just knew Madison was going to offend someone:
The girls introduce themselves to Luke and it appears that Nan has more of a connection with him than Madison, possibly because she’s a clairvoyant and can read minds! Lemon cake with butter frosting… NOMS! Their welcoming party is cut short though when Mrs. Joan Ramsey makes an appearance:
“Hi, I’m Joan Ramsey and I’m a bitch.”
Joan starts blabbing about Jesus and Church when Madison cuts her off and starts insulting her religion. Look out Madison, you know how these religious types get!!! Well, luckily for all of us, Madison is a Witch and she is a bad ass Witch at that:
Stabitha: The Teenage Witch
Madison gets all stabby and throws a knife across the room into the wall using her powers. Didn’t your mother tell you not to play with knives Madison?! But that’s not all, on her way out… Madison decides that she HATES the interior decorating job so she makes some adjustments… AWESOME adjustments!
“You did NOT just cock block me!”
“I just LOVE your curtains… are those from the new Satanic Ritual set?”
It smells like burning in here… wait, what?! THE CURTAINS ARE FLAMING! Apparently Madison is A LOT more powerful than we thought. To be honest, I would have expected (and maybe still kinda do) that Zoe is actually the next Supreme, but with Madison showing off plenty of her powers, it appears that she’s the one that is next in line.
Old Habits Never Die
After the flaming curtain incident, Joan pays Fiona a visit to find out just what the hell is wrong with Madison. Is it just me or does it feel like we’re watching the Real Housewives of New Orleans!!! Joan isn’t too happy about Madison’s redecorating job (and skanky outfit) and demands that the girls never come on her property again! Oh and she also mentioned the flaming curtains which really got Fiona’s attention since having the ability to start fires using your mind is a Supreme power (I think– that’s my theory for now til this show destroys it).
Fiona takes Madison under her wing and she does what any good Mentor would do… takes her out partying and gets her shit-faced drunk! Ya, girl! These Witches can drink! But first, they have a little fun playing around with their powers by making a guy believe he is safe in the middle of the street:
“I think I’ll go play in traffic.”
Hilarious! Next, they head out to the bar to get down and dirty but we see Fiona spilling her drinks on the floor so as to avoid getting overly drunk! How dare you waste perfectly good booze Fiona! They head back to the Academy and Fiona ends up revealing to Madison that she is the next Supreme. And we also now understand why the title of this episode is called The Replacements. It seems that when a young Supreme Witch’s powers starts to grow, they gain their power from the previous Supreme Witch. This ultimately leads to the Older Supreme, Fiona in this case, growing weaker and slowly dying, which allows for the new Supreme to replace the old one.
Fiona is obviously obsessed with being the Queen B and would rather die than grow old. She demands that Madison take her life much like Fiona had taken Anna Lee’s life back in 1971. This, however, does not go according to plan. Madison refuses to kill Fiona and all hell breaks loose, with Fiona doing this in the heat of the moment:
“I’m having a strong sense of deja vu right now”
And, poor Spalding was there to see it all yet again… wow, this guy has some really bad timing issues don’t you think:
“Ah crap, not again…I really gotta stop walking in on these murders.”
I laughed out loud when Madison dropped and there he was again! As mentioned earlier, I hope we get to learn a bit more about this Spalding guy! Always in the wrong place at the wrong time!!!
And just like that Madison’s days on AHS are over. Which sucks because I kinda liked her But at least there is always potential to bring her back to life… and at least this advances the main story and also gives us a ton of questions for next week. For one, if Madison is dead and was literally sucking the power out of Fiona, does her death mean that Fiona is going to regain her power? Or is there another Supreme Witch out there? And how are the other girls (Zoe, Nan, Queenie if she survived the Minotaur) going to react to Madison’s death? Lots of questions after last night’s cliffhanger ending!
Episode Score: 7.5
The episode was a bit ‘Meh’ for me, but only because not too much really happened until the very end. I liked the introduction of Joan and Luke Ramsey and I pretty much love every single moment Angela Bassett is on the screen–more of her please! The Voodoo stuff fascinates me for some reason but I think only because we haven’t seen much of it yet this season so here is hoping for MORE VOODOO!
Madison’s death will obviously change things a bit story wise, so I’m looking forward to seeing the repercussions of her murder next week. For those that want a sneak peek at next week’s episode, titled ‘Fearful Pranks Ensue”, check out the video below. I’ll be back next Thursday with my review! Cheers